Placenta in my cabbage
Does anyone remember when there was that Cabbage Patch doll that “ate” food and then the food would fall into their backpack (couldn’t have kids seeing a Cabbage Patch butthole, could we? I suppose when thinking of their butthole we must ignore the fact that they mysteriously have a belly button, in spite of coming from a cabbage? Was there a placenta in the cabbage with them??? PLACENTA CABBAGE? Think about it. Or don’t.)
Anyways the doll was banned because it kept eating kids’ hair+fingers “by accident” and if you think I’m making this up I found the Dec 1996 warning from the government about the doll. Anyways, when I was six my sketchy redneck neighbor had one and we would play with it, and she would dare me to put my fingers in its mouth. Each time I did I was filled with such a deep terror that this was the end, that as an adult, I now no longer fear death because nothing is scarier than that doll.
Fun poll for my readers!!!
Theme music for this newsletter
You come to my wedding, I enter the dance floor for the “first dance” with my partner and this starts to play as we dance cheek-to-cheek:
Pigeon Report
I have a tale for you, so SPOOKY, so MAGICAL, so CURSED, that I will let this be a warning to some readers to turn away NOW if they are faint of heart. I was out front of my house, about to go on one of my world-famous “walks to Rite Aid” when I noticed a pigeon on the railing in front of our building. That in of itself isn’t so weird, it’s New York, Pigeons do be pigeoning. What was weird was how still the pigeon was.
I don’t know what came over me but I was like…I wonder if this pigeon would just let me pet it? So I kept getting closer and closer until I had my hand hovering mere centimeters from its back but then I freaked out. This was clearly a trap. I should not pet a pigeon. This is like, whatshername with the magic spindle that kills her? The only explanation is that I was bewitched and the pigeon was luring me in so they could kill me.
Well, I didn’t pet the pigeon so I’m here to tell the tale.
Grade: A+ to me for escaping the witchery
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Folks there’s a new star in town, and it’s capitalism’s latest death rattle…the Purple M&M. She’s the first new M&M spokesperson (AND I do mean person, they have SOULS) in ten years. According to some guy in PR who’s *this* close to hanging himself, the Purple M&M is designed to represent acceptance and inclusivity." She has a "charm and quirky" nature driven by "self-awareness, authenticity and confidence."
There’s little explanation of what is so quirky or authentic about her, besides the fact she has a nut inside her (apparently the yellow one does too…literally had no idea.) Also, I didn’t know there were even any anthropomorphic M&Ms besides the holy trinity of the Red one (mean), the Yellow one (dumb), and Green (sexy af.)
I mean if we’re going to get into it, I’m still pissed they took the sexy Green one out of her heels and put her in sneakers. Let the woman live! Wearing sneakers doesn’t mean she’s a feminist, right? Yet the brown one is allowed to wear heels, but it’s balanced out by the fact she has glasses? Shaking. My. Damn. Head.
Answer: Well she’s doing better than the green one who isn’t even allowed to be a cool slut.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I am rooting for these two crazy kids!
THE ENDORSEMENT
Man, I’m still bummed that Angela Lansbury died. I say 96 was too soon!!! I’m a big fan of Angela Lansbury’s many fine films, as well as when she moved her family to Ireland so her daughter would stop hanging out with Charles Manson. Let’s just say, right now, Angie is at 1, Manson, 0. So think about that.
But I have the most love for the film “Bedknobs and Broomsticks,” which is legitimately one of my favorite movies.
If you haven’t seen it, I can sum up the plot pretty simply: Angela Lansbury is a witch who wins WWII while having to reluctantly watch some kids who’s house was bombed during the Blitz. And it’s a musical! And the bad dad from Mary Poppins is in it. You need to watch it!!!