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Y’all I’m sorry I’ve been irregular with my hellish dispatches, but I am so weary, so very weary. Not in a depressed way, just like, my job is busy and all I wanna do is shut off the internet and read historical fiction about 19th century suffragettes.
So I thought I’d do something a little different this week. I am obsessed with The Cut’s “Things I Can’t Live Without,” which most of the time is celebrities talking about spon they are paid to hawk, but sometimes it’s genuinely fascinating stuff. Debi Mazar’s recent one is a true delight, as was Amy Sedaris’s, though let’s not get into the one from a NYC mayoral candidate who seems to have a lot of problems getting his asshole clean.
So I’m going to provide you with my own “What I Can’t Live Without.” Wish these products would pay me some $%^&(*&*&^&* money tho, amirite?
Food and appliances
Cheerios: I don’t know if this makes me a child but I love cheerios and I am weirdly devoted to Cheerios and hate when I settle for generic versions. I like it because it tastes plain like cardboard, but with a dusty, wheaty, zest. And don’t you dare come to me with honey Cheerios which are straight up GARBAGE.
Cilantro+Scallions: Of fresh ingredients, I probably most consistently buy scallions and cilantro every time I go grocery shopping. One, because cilantro goes bad hella fast, but also two, because they are the best flavor enhancers. What I like is that I can use them in Chinese dishes, Vietnamese, Mexican, Cuban, Lebanese, Thai, like…everyone in the world agrees they rule. Unless you’re one of those sad people who tastes soap when you eat them to which I say, tough soapy titties.
Cholula: I like having a variety of hot sauces and condiments at any given moment. While I enjoy a lot of different hot sauces, I’m kinda a baby/ultimate white lady and don’t like super-hot hot sauces, but I also don’t like things that are overly sweet (I love Siracha, but it is too sweet for day-to-day stuff) and Cholula is the perfect middle ground. I love it on beans, I love it on eggs, I love it with cheese and given that those three things compromise much of my weeknight meals, it’s perfect.
Turkish mayonnaise: So this isn’t a particular brand, but I really love Turkish-style mayo, which is olive oil based, and almost always made with a very high quality olive oil. When I lived in Turkey I used to think it was weird people dipped their fries in mayo, but it’s so good it totally makes sense. I grab whatever brand I can find at my local Bulgarian grocery store (weird they carry the food of their Ottoman enemies, but that’s a convo for another time). It vastly improves sandwiches, tuna salads, and is ideal for slathering on your bread before making grilled cheese. I also love making homemade siracha mayo with it when I make sushi. Like, mayo as a concept is kind of gross when you think about it too long, but I swear this is worth it.
Capers: I’ll give credit to a hetero male one and one time only, but I never realized how versatile capers were in cooking till my Boyfriend™ introduced them to me. I’ve always loved them on a bagel with lox, cream cheese, red onion and a tomato (truly, a heavenly meal!!!) but they also elevate most pastas and potato dishes.
Mission tortilla chips: I enjoy potato chips but I LOVE tortilla chips. Like, if you put a basket in front of me, I will eat them until I vomit, if you keep refilling it. I’m not super picky, but I like the Mission brand best, it tends to be a few dollars more than other brands, so I usually don’t splurge on it. They’re less salty and more oily, which is how I prefer my life in general.
Carr’s water crackers: The perfect cracker doesn’t exi…PSYCH IT’S THIS CRACKER BITCH.
My slow cooker: I don’t care about specific brands, though a friend gave me a new one this year and it’s gigantic and delightful to use. I’ve never used an Instant Pot and frankly, I don’t care to. It ain’t natural. Slow cooking on the other hand, is an accepted cooking technique and also I don’t have to think about the food all day, it just kinda magically happens.
My cast iron: Am I a basic 19th century bitch for loving my cast iron? Don’t care, it’s great for eggs and I like that I can bake with it too. I made this swiss potato cake (essentially a hashbrown) with it recently and it cooked PERFECTLY. The only thing I don’t care for is the fact I’ve accidentally set fire to like, three cast iron pans by accident.
BeAuTy
Thayer’s Witch Hazel-Rose toner: I know everyone thinks this stuff is the devil now, but I swear this rescued my skin back when I was having the worst acne of my life from ages 22-25. Which coincidentally when I was dating the most…NOT GREAT. I’m not a weirdo about ingredients, but I do prefer things to be simple, and I feel like I understand most of the ingredients in this. I use it every morning as a toner and I’m not dead YET.
Hask Henna and Placenta Super Strength Conditioning Treatment: I discovered this in 2015 at my favorite beauty store, conveniently next to the Target in the Bronx, and have used it religiously ever since. It’s cheap, and you get about three hair masks out of it. Every time I use it my hair literally looks like a perfect baby angel the next day and people are like, “Wow what did you do?” And I’m like “Oh this, it’s placenta.”
Absolute NYC liquid eyeliner and matte lipstick: Also discovered this at the same beauty store. SUCH an underrated brand. The matte lipsticks are literally perfect, and as someone who’s consistently worn bright lipstick since she was 15, I have tried EVERY brand. It’s like, $5 a pop and they’re the ideal matte. I also love this eyeliner, literally the easiest thing on earth to put on but doesn’t come off when you cry and believe me I cry a lot!!!
Palmer’s Cocoa Butter lotion: Idk this isn’t like some secret brand but it’s so good? It makes me smell like a cupcake, but like natural, not the way Bath and Body Works makes you smell like a robot cupcake, and as someone with extremely sensitive skin, it doesn’t cause a rash, which is…chill.
Clothes
Clarks: I’m obviously a huge clotheshorse and will wear anything but when it comes to my shoes I am basically a grandma and need to live in as comfortable and orthopedic a shoe as humanly possible. Clarks are my fave because they’re pretty-cute, but above all, really comfy. I’ve had one particular pair of black Clarks combat boots for like, 7 (?) years and I could literally do anything in them…hike, walk the shitty sidewalks of Ridgewood, walk the shitty sidewalks of various eastern European countries, throw them on to go to the bodega, wear them with black pants to work…you name it.
Arq: I am sorry to say the Instagram ads worked and I bought some Arq bras and underwear and dang if they aren’t deeply comfortable. I love wearing them while traveling, I feel safe and protected in my cotton cocoon.
Hiking socks: I have no allegiance to a brand but I am of the opinion that hiking socks are the only actually comfortable socks and they never get sweaty and I am SO SWEATY
Vintage silk scarves: I’ve become increasingly obsessed with collecting vintage silk scarves. They really are the best headwear if you, like me, have a lot of hair you need to hide under something, or just want to look like a glamourous prostitute in a Fellini movie.
Black bike shorts: Y’all it’s chub rub season. IYKYK.
Other
Pom-pom maker: My friend gave me some pom-pom makers and I have no idea how I managed before back when I was making them with a cardboard form like some tenement-era child laborer. Now I can make pom-poms like a god-damn machine, which is great because I always want more.
Melissa&Doug loom: I enjoy this child’s loom because it’s easy to use with my clumsy giant hands and it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something when I’m weaving and watching Love Island.
Cross-stitch fabric: Cross-stitching rules because all you need to be able to do is count and I can almost do that.
My Chipettes Glass: I love my Chipettes glass so much, and not just because I’m a straight doppelganger with Jeanine (I mean, that’s most of it.) But they are also my favorite rodent-centric band.
Notebooks: Not because I’m some thoughtful writer, but because I have the short-term memory of a chipmunk (!) and must write down everything at work or I will forget it. But sometimes I look at my notes and it’ll just say shit like “MURDER? JOURNALISTS GLOBAL,” and “Qatar says they are reformers but…that’s a no from me dawg.”
Anyways, I’ll be back in proper form soon, though maybe not this weekend because it is me birthday mates! And the best birthday gift of all that you could give me is sharing Cracks with your worst enemies. Just sign them up without telling them! Just like when I secretly signed up my boyfriend for Pete Buttigieg’s email list and then laughed my ass off while he struggled to figure out while he was getting them.
High Hopes indeed.