You never forget the first time you try CRACK
Hello babies, welcome to the first edition of Crack newsletter. I have christened this GIFT to you as Crack, because I’ll focus for the most part on things that may have fallen through the cracks for all of us throughout the week. The point of this thing is to a) find one more way to avoid refreshing Cher’s Twitter every 15 minutes; b) keep you up to date on the important things in life like pigeons and low-level celebrities; c) live up to the expectations of the guy at the bodega who told me to “have a nice day.” God damn it, I WILL have a nice day.
But truly, to be completely sincere, this is a nice outlet for the thoughts I have that don’t have a home to live in. I actually kind of like my job, but I work in a nonprofit and being serious all the time can really drag me down. There’s this expectation now that it’s actually viable to make a living and also be a creative. And I just don’t know if that’s always possible. Most people I know who are creative spend most of their time working, because we have to. But I have to make space where I can be something outside of my job, find a space to dump weird thoughts. And well, to quote Whitney, “crack is cheap”
So without further ado, let’s kick things off with a few sections that barring my complete disinterest/motivation, I’ll include each week.
Pigeon report
Source: Me
Not to get crazy with this, but the last notable pigeon I saw was actually while I was on vacation in Spain (cue me rolling my Rs for the rest of this section and sighing like a world-weary Instagram influencer). For the most part their pigeons are mad clean, but this guy looked like ass and had a club claw. The little guy seemed pretty nonplussed though, and still continued to harass me until I threw peanuts at his stupid tiny head. Grade: B+ for effort The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Source: Craigslist
Someone out there is sitting at home, ferret cage a-ready, but unwilling to buy a ferret. So what do you do? ORDER ONE UP BABBBBBY. Wish there was some sort of ferret-ordering app that could help this person out. Wait, thinking closer about this, why does he even have a cage if the ferret is roaming free throughout the home? Maybe he’s into Redwall cosplay, which, to be really real with you guys, I would be super down to do. After all, this ferret is not a pet, but a companion. A squire. A low-level handmaiden. Jesus I need to re-read Redwall. This also reminded me of one of Rudy Giuliani’s finest moments when he went AWF about ferrets.
Are you okay? Each week, I highlight celebrities I am concerned with
The Carter brothers. Christ, I see these two becoming a regular feature. I don’t really have the emotional bandwidth to give the whole rundown on the white-trash drama between former pop star brothers Aaron and Nick Carter, but let’s just say it’s been one hell of a ride (the ride is a urine-stained Toyota Tercel).
Source: Twitter
So the latest news is that Nick Carter (the Backstreet man) got a restraining order against Aaron (the guy who beat Shaq) for threatening his wife. I started this thinking this was going to be funny, but honestly it’s just super sad? Also I’m reminded of how someone told me they met Aaron Carter at a meet and greet a few years ago (i.e. after he became a grown man) and he was asking them what they were doing afterwards, which just makes me really sad he had no plans, or creeped out he wanted to hang out with random female fans.
What really stumps me though is this:
Source: Twitter
Like… did Michael tell him personally? I mean I get why Michael would be suspicious of family members, but I need 5000 more details on context given that Aaron was a child pop star and Michael was 29 years his senior. GRIMACE INTO ETERNITY.
Answer: Not okay. Not at all.
Hints from Hellouise
This isn’t so much a hint as an ask: Someone please make me this egg salad sandwich recipe from the NY Times. I did make it and it tasted fine but it turns out I can only hard boil eggs. And before you judge me, ask yourself why eggs are so creepy, but also so DELICIOUS? I saw a guy on the train straight up chowin’ down on some boiled eggs the other day, and reader, I was JEALOUS.
Shit you really ought to read
How Did Lauren Duca’s Revolution Backfire?-Scaachi Koul, Buzzfeed. This is first off, a real humdinger of a read, but also an excellent example of thoughtfully being critical of those we hold up on pedestals. Koul doesn’t let Duca get out of things, but she acknowledges the realities of being a woman in the public eye. Also, this woman’s class syllabus is… something.
This last interview with Vampira (real name Maila Nurmi), the 1950s proto-Elvira and star of Ed Wood films pops into my mind constantly. Just thinking of how utterly strange a decision it was for a conventionally attractive struggling actress to make herself over into this gothic monster, and then make that her entire schtick. Well worth a read two years on.
When Abortion After Rape Is Legal—but Nearly Impossible to Obtain- Amy Littlefield and Laura Gottesdiener, The Nation. The lengths to which one woman in Mexico had to go to obtain a legal abortion.
How Adam Neumann’s Over-the-Top Style Built WeWork. “This Is Not the Way Everybody Behaves.”-Eliot Brown, WSJ. I wish I could do full justice how hilarious and simultaneously depressing this whole profile of WeWork and its founder, Adam Neumann, is. Here’s a fun peek: “Working out of his Tribeca apartment, he started Krawlers, which sought to make baby clothes with knee pads to make crawling more comfortable. The slogan, he has said: ‘Just because they don’t tell you, doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.’ It never gained traction.”
Striking a Blow-Kim Kelly, Baffler. Excellent breakdown on the GM/UAW strikes if you’re looking for a quick, concise rundown of where this fits into greater labor issues as a whole.
Extra credit: I finally read Jenny Zhang’s “Dear Jenny, we are all find” from a few years back. Funny, honest, challenging, and the most fun I’ve had reading poetry in a minute.
My hate read of choice atm:
When the Culture War Comes for the Kids-Gary Packer, The Atlantic. A treatise on how much some white parents sacrificed when they let their kids go to public school, including the HORROR of gender-neutral bathrooms. KILL ME PLEASE.
Your weekly jam
What Did I Do!-Yoko Ono
The lyrics are extremely relatable to me, as someone who loses their phone approx. every ten minutes.
While you’re at it, if you’re a Yoko hater, go listen to the “You’re Wrong About” episode on Yoko Ono. Did you know she has a daughter who was kidnapped and lived in a cult for THREE DECADES?