Welcome to Dr.Phil's demented grotto

Crack

It’s that special time of the year where we’re encouraged to be our best selves even though some of us (read: me) just want to be the most garbage version of ourselves. A focus on wellness. In my experience wellness looks like someone not eating your carefully-made cheese plate because they’re on a diet they read about on Marianne Williamson’s campaign website. People gaslighting us into thinking “Shallow” was a better song than “Why did you do that?” Somebody telling you that you might want to re-think your Tweety Bird tattoo. LET US LIVE.

I don’t want to be well.

The concept of “wellness”, as has been said many times, and in much more articulate terms, is pretty empty. It always seems to involve becoming the most self-conscious, delusional version of ourselves, with little concerns about whether your actions hurt other people. And being well always seems to cost so much money.

In 2020 screw being well, and just exist as an okay person. Try not to fart in an elevator, swipe someone onto the train, kneel down and pet a gross trash-cat. You’re doing the best you can!

Theme music for this newsletter
Bye Bye Barbara-Bay City Rollers. If you really want to feel unwell, might I suggest this monstrosity of a song that I can’t stop listening to? It’s bad, yeah, definitely bad. Most pop songs that lead with jaw harp tend to be. And yet. AND YET. Here I am listening to it 14 times in a row.

Pigeon report

Y’all hear about the cowboy pigeons in Vegas? Some people think finding a bunch of pigeons with tiny cowboy hats glued onto their heads is weird and suspicious. For experts like myself, this incident makes complete sense.

Now worst case scenario, some absolute monster is abusing animals for no discernible reason. Now second worst case scenario, these pigeons are about to head to the rodeo to win themselves some big belt buckles and wow the pigeon crowds. But first they decided to party a little too hard. Got a little too ROWDY when their fave song came on. I think we all know which version is true.

Grade: F to the people who glued these hats to pigeons, A+ to the pigeons for pulling off a daring chapeau.
P.S. that story linked above is AMAZING, and introduced me to my new pigeon-hero vigilante, “When she picked up the phone, she was sitting behind a dumpster in the parking lot of a condo building where she had spent the past several days on a stake-out.”

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

There are two versions of myself. The version that knows what Dr.Phil’s son’s demented home looks like, and the younger, naïve, simple, sheltered version unaware of his deeply stupid mansion.

And since I am suffering so, dear reader, so must you. Feast your eyes on the good doctor’s (son) home, now up for sale. For a cool 5.75 million, you could live just like my favorite daytime psychopath (I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR EXPLOITING SHELLEY DUVALL DR.PHIL!!!!!) with a bunch of stair snakes, the art-taste of a 21 year old raver, and wall guns.

Grade: D, only because if I must be murdered, this is the house I would like it to happen in, for purely sentimental reasons I cannot explain right now.

Photo : Realtor.com

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

I know Christmas just happened but surely someone can get this for me?

Photo (Craigslist screenshot)

Hints from Hellouise
I can’t be the only one who thinks the government is lying to us about uncooked eggs in cookie dough, right? Like, how are we all still alive? I made a vegetarian carbonara the other day (I’m happy to fax my recipe, free of charge), which includes marginally cooked, if cooked at all, eggs. Am I dead? I WISH. Also, if memory serves, isn’t the FDA run by Trump now? So we’re likely getting advice these days from the person who invented pink slime or something to that effect.

Shit you really ought to read
The Grooming Gap: What “Looking the Part” Costs Women-In These Times. I haven’t really felt much pressure to look a certain way at a job, likely because I’ve worked almost exclusively at nonprofits. That said it never ceases to amaze me how so many dudes can look like straight up rotten potatoes in a cracked bowl and we’re supposed to not mention it. It’s just the way of the world.

The New “Little Women” Makes Space For Jo’s Queerness-Buzzfeed. Hmmm, still chewing on this one. I’d like to reread Little Women to decide if I agree, but lots of food for thought here.