Unequivocally hell

Happy Monday my little Garfields! Would you believe me if I told you this newsletter is coming to you late because I ate too much sushi and was unable to do anything besides lying prostrate and watching a reality show about a salon in Long Island.      

   

Theme music for this newsletter        

Is this soothing or maddening? 

Pigeon report           

The other day I saw a pigeon incident that disgusted me even more than usual. Specifically, I was witness to a case of pigeon sexual harassment. And not a pigeon harassing a human woman (we have proof pigeons are sexist since they enslaved that pigeon lady in Mary Poppins) but a pigeon harassing ANOTHER pigeon. The poor lady-pigeon was chased nonstop by the stupid fat man-pigeon and while part of me wanted to be like “why don’t you fly away?” I’m not one to victim blame, especially when your brain is the size of sesame seed. And frankly I’m pretty sure I’ve been in her position at least once (both with a pigeon and humans).

Grade: F for fuck men-pigeons

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers    

The interesting thing about hell is that it’s a really personal concept. For example, hell for you could be being forced to listen to a cauldron bubble for eternity. Some things that people hate (the smell of gasoline) I love (my brain has two cells rn.) Hell is subjective. But I can say unequivocally that this “socially distanced” concert with “date-rapist cosplayers/future lecherous dads at your kids slumber party” The Chainsmokers, sponsored by FuckJerry tequila, and featuring the DJ stylings of the CEO of Goldman Sachs, is 100% my idea of hell.I really don’t wish COVID-19 on anyone, but hypothetically if you did get it at this concert…I would have to stifle the tiniest smirk before I threw myself into the river.

Answer: I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently           

I am sorry to say there is NOTHING cool on Craigslist this week. Nothing that’s even DISTURBING. What is happening to NYC??????

Hints from Hellouise                 

This cucumber-yogurt dish is super easy to throw together, and I ate it on top of basmati rice and it was very nourishing. My only recommendation is double the amount of red pepper, it could have done with a bit more heat.

Shit you really ought to read          

Following the footsteps of polar explorers. Choire Sicha is such a good weirdo and has greatly improved the Times Styles section imo. Life inside the NBA bubble.