Time to go into the closet
It’s crazy how in the fifties everyone was like, “wow the future is going to be so stunning, so amazing.” When in reality the 21st century is just ordering a chicken sandwich from a girl on Zoom. Let me explain.
On Saturdays, after I go to my requisite dance class in Manhattan, I’ve gotten into going to this Japanese fast food sandwich place next door. It’s so good. Japan truly understands that a chicken sandwich should be DARK meat only. But I digress.
The one bad thing about this place is that when you go up to the front to order, there is only a video screen, and you order from a young woman on a zoom call. She’s not a robot. She’s real, and her sound quality is shit so it’s a lot of “Huh?” or “What?” or screaming “SPICY MAYO PLEASE.” And then after you order from the zoom-cashier, an irl person hands you the food. Not sure why the cashier needs to be remote but I respect the job flexibility this place provides employees.
It got me thinking though…where does this chick work from? You can’t see her background so for all we know she’s in a bunker. Which when you think about it, is nice for her. I’m glad people who are kidnapped and live in bunkers can also contribute to the economy. The future really does let us all thrive to the best of our abilities.
Thing 1: Pigeon Report
You ever wonder why every bird seems to migrate except pigeons? If you thought it was because they were too broke to travel (been there!), I wouldn’t blame you, but it turns out that is NOT the case. These crum-bums are able to mooch off of NYC all year long because they have butt oil. And lest you think I am being cute or using potty- words to be cute, I assure you, I am not. From this recent article:
Pigeons also have a gland at the base of their tail called the uropygial gland, which secretes oil that birds use to coat their feathers and help keep them warm.
I am absolutely obsessed with the Wikipedia image for this gland:
This is literally the ugliest baby bird I have ever seen in my life, and to add insult to injury we gotta get an arrow directing us to his glands.
Grade: B? Not sure, I want pigeons to leave me alone for the winter, but I respect their glandular skills. Wouldn’t mind it myself y’know?
Thing 2:
The only closet anyone should stay in…IS THE CRITERION CLOSET, amirite!!!!!?
For those with social skills or a social life who are not familiar with the Criterion Closet, I will explain. Criterion Films is a company that repackages/distributes films that are considered important or special. And lest you think they’re only for fancy people, they featured the Josie and the Pussycats movie from the early aughts (featuring Tara Reid!!) last month in their Parker Posey collection on their streaming app which proves a) I am correct, that film is brilliant. I mean the soundtrack ALONE is genius and b) they have pretty good taste.
They have this YouTube series called “Criterion Closet” where notable arts people go into a tiny room filled with all of Criterion’s releases and the person just gets to FILL a bag to take home and talks about what movies they like. On one hand, I’m like, pretty sure all of these actors and directors can afford to buy a restored version of Orson Welles greatest hits (still waiting on Criterion to release a compilation of all the insane ads he acted in), on the other hand it’s a cute way to see what people like. Sometimes it’s surprising—that lil’ cutie patootie Charles Melton has pretty good taste! Roger Corman is a rather serious fellow! Others less so—Willem Dafoe is weird!
As I grow older, I realize my true dream is to be shoved into the Criterion Closet. Just lock me in there. I don’t even need an audience, I’ll just pick out shit and talk to myself. I love nothing better than opining about art to an audience of no one. Leave me overnight it’s fine. And if Charles Melton and Willem Dafoe are thrown in too…girl, that’s a party.
Just imagine me in a dark room muttering to myself:
“Ah yes, ‘The Devils’ by Ken Russell, my movie of choice for first dates.”
“We really don’t talk enough about the excellent comic abilities of that horse in ‘The Lady Eve.’”
“’3 Women’ by Altman is about my first-grade nemesis. Did you know that?”
“90% of my personality is that little kid in ‘Days of Heaven’ when she does the voiceovers.”
What kind of lottery do I need to get into to get chained up in that closet!!
Thing 3:
I’ve been trying to educate myself more on classic House music because I like a lot of House tracks I’ve heard over the years but am not super knowledgeable about the genre as a whole. So anyways I was listening to this playlist of old house hits and KLF’s “Justified and Ancient” came on, and umm…I’m sorry WHAT?
Why is Tammy Wynette here? This poor woman looks like she was drugged, dragged to a studio and a member of KLF put a gun to her head? She actually sounds great, but I promise you she has as little idea of what MuMu Land is as I do. I’m not saying this is a bad song, I’m just saying I don’t get it and I’ve been listening to it nonstop while out running errands.