This uncooked Romanian sausage will surely seal the deal

Thing 1: You’re a grand old flag

Why do American women (primarily white, primarily 35+) love flags so much? Especially if it’s patriotic, holiday-related, involves a teddy bear OR puppy, you can bet your ass that it will be hanging by their door or on their porch.

Men tend to pick flags that have written messages, usually something threatening, like “support the police or I WILL retaliate with unbridled violence.” However, women tend to choose flags where the threat is less obvious but no less sinister.

For example, this is a pro-police flag (available in one day w/Prime!!!!) that begs the question: what if dogs ran the police? Who is this dog? Is he the commander of the human-police or just commander of the dog-police? Does he belong to the union?

This cool dog is so mysterious—we have no idea where he is, but he’ll never tell. The one thing we do know is that he loves America.

Continuing the dog theme, this dog flag tells the viewer that this dog almost certainly listens to “Bad Moon Rising” by CCR regularly while having flashbacks to his comrades dying. As such, we should be extra sensitive when entering this home, lest we trigger him.

I am telling you if I ever become president, on day ONE, I am raising this flag over the god damn white house because everything I stand for is encapsulated here.

Wait, wait, never mind, this is the one I’m flying over the White House.

Honestly, I am thrilled for you and your son.

…and one disappointing daughter who dropped out of Sarah Lawrence.

Okay well no wonder Trump won if the best thing we have to help our country thrive is one fucking tabby praying. Have you MET a cat? That cat wasn’t praying for America. That cat was praying for an empty box to sit in.

It’s the sparkles that really do it for me (also who are we saying fuck off to? Roberts? Who is s/he?????)

Oh my god, I’m so sorry flag ladies. I get it now. I NEED this flag with my whole body and soul. Look at that lil fluffy guy!!! He’s a witch!!!

Thing 2: Romania is for lovers

It’s tough out there for smaller countries to try to amp up their tourism industry. I can only imagine Romania is among those. Romania has a lot going against it in the public eye, given that they are primarily associated with vampires and one of the most brutal (former) communist regimes. And that’s unfair, because from what I’ve heard, it’s a country with beautiful countryside, Bucharest looks cool, and a lot of interesting history. I have sincerely wanted to visit for quite some time! Yet I realize that for most, it is perhaps not the number one European country to visit. Or even the top country in the region to visit.

However, whoever is running the official TikTok account for Romania is doing the absolute most to get us to come and visit, and their primary approach seems to be mystic prose poems:

And when that fails, they are pretty sure that showing people a LOT of sausage in various cooked and uncooked forms will seal the deal and get us to click “buy” on that one way ticket to Bucharest.

At the end of the day though, they know the final thing that will get us over there faster than you can say “Ai o mașină, sau un cal mic obosit care să mă ducă în România, te rog?” are old Romanian grandmothers or farm animals, which make up most of their content.

Thing 3: Pigeon Report

Look, I’m no scientist, nor am I a reporter, but I am the world’s foremost pigeon truther and I have to say, when I heard that Bird Flu was on a dangerous rise, I asked myself…which bird started it?

According to “experts” it was started by wild birds, and yet these well “highly credible” and “educated” experts remain COMPLETELY silent on exactly WHAT type of wild bird. Now according to “scientists” it likely originated from some type of waterfowl, but I ain’t buying it. I can say with 134% confidence that it probably started with pigeons.

First off, pigeons are basically waterfowl, in that I often see them in puddles and they are fucking foul. Secondly, pigeons hate humans, and are clearly increasingly angry that they have yet to intimidate us into submission. So what’s an entire race of bird to do? Revert to biological warfare, simple as that. Simple detective works folks, and I’ve busted this case wide open. Starting 2025 off right.

Grade: F, of course. I can’t support war crimes.