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It’s strange experiencing an armed insurrection of your country from afar (in my case I was in a cemetery on the side of a mountain when I first heard about the attack on the capitol, but when am I NOT in a cemetery?). Learning things bit-piece through group text chats, social media, and over the radio make it feel so easy to feel so distant from what’s happening, which is scarier in it’s own way. We have a government that doesn’t care about the well-being of its people and is scared of protecting democracy because it might anger some of their Nazi constituents. I thought angering Nazis was the WHOLE POINT of being AMERICAN.
Instead all we have right now is talk about healing, and Coca-Cola and Axe body spray are making sure they know they’re worried too. Maybe they can sponsor the impeachment proceedings?
Theme song for this newsletter
Welcome to 2021!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pigeon report
This past week as most of us likely celebrated with great fanfare, was the anniversary of the death of noted inventor and nice moustache-haver, Nikola Tesla. In this house, we stan Nikola, and spit on the charlatan, idea-stealer and overall rude gus, Thomas Edison.
The only thing I don’t fully understand about this Serbian nerd is that his best friends were pigeons, to the extent that he had chefs making special meals for them (doesn’t he know he could have just thrown a molding carcass at them and they’d go wild?) As if things couldn’t be worse, he also fell in love with a pigeon, once saying (allegedly), “I loved that pigeon as a man loves a woman, and it loved me.” Wow. How can you be a full on genius and also the dumbest person alive? The mind boggles.
Grade: Look, I love Tesla, but this is fully an F
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Among the dumb celebrity takes of the attacks this past week….one among them might be able to bring us together as a nation in all saying, “Demi, please not right now.”
Answer: She’s okay, but will we be once this song comes out?
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist
Let’s take a little journey over to Craigslist’s demented Grandma, eBay, shall we? I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, probably because my therapist told me never to speak of this, but a few years ago I spent a solid month obsessed with the collecter culture around “reborn” baby dolls. For those not aware, reborn dolls are creepy as hell dolls made to look as realistic as possible. You can find literally hundreds of “unboxing” videos on YouTube that will fill your soul with fear.
Even weirder though is the sub- group, of people who collect dolls made to look like…baby monkeys. Look, I love baby monkeys, a LOT. I mean, they are babies, monkeys are cute, and they’re endangered, what’s not to love? But the reborn monkey dolls are truly the most terrifying things I have ever seen, and I should know, as I once used the public toilet at the Skopje train station.
A friend of mine works at a pawn shop and he told me he had a regular customer who would come in with some regularity with a cooler filled with her reborn monkey baby dolls, would pawn them, and as soon as she had cash come back to pick them up. I have thought about this story about once a MONTH for five years.
She’s not wrong to pawn them though…those babies go for $160 a pop!
Hints from Hellouise
This is not a hint so much as me asking you to send me a cookie recipe I won’t mess up, or better yet, send me cookies on a regular basis. Why aren’t we giving me cookies on a bi-weekly basis? Hmm? Riddle me that Batman
Shit you really ought to read
The best thing about pigeons I’ve ever read. Dog festival! All these racist-ass terrorists. Covering COVID-19 from behind bars.