The Scrappy Doo timeline

Cracks

People always talk about the worst timeline, but I hope we aren’t in it. Frankly I have my suspicions that we are not in the worst timeline, but in fact we are living in the “Scrappy Doo” timeline. Things are very bad and dreadful but also deeply weird. The only thing I know of with all those same descriptors is Scrappy Doo. For those not familiar Scrappy Doo is the stupid nephew of canine detective Scooby Doo. Scrappy was a late addition to the show to boost ratings and ruined everything he touched. He was supposed to be cute, but he was about as cute as a dented can of pickled beets on the floor of a bodega. His catchphrase “Puppy power,” might as well be “WHITE POWER!!!” That’s how much I hate Scrappy Doo. It didn’t have to be Scrappy. According to the internet there is a whole universe of Scooby kin, and any one of them sounds more pleasant, save for Great-Grandpa Scooby, who appears to be a Confederate general (wow a lot of white supremacy underlying this series, eh?)

I’m just trying to stay positive as I live through the Scrappy Doo timeline, because the good news is, Scrappy eventually left and now we barely remember him at all.

Theme music for this newsletter
I like, the completely demented person I am thought I would spend my afternoon the other day listening to the 1982 Chipmunk’s album, “Chipmunk Rock”. It’s actually a straight banger and has lots of catchy 80’s and 70’s hits that sound equally as dumb with or without a chipmunk voice. Their rendition of “Bette Davis Eyes” is particularly good (with the understanding “good” could mean anything here, up to and including “bad”)

Pigeon report

The people are inside but the trash sure isn’t it, and these birds are getting fatter, meaner, more powerful by the minute as they eat it. We’re going to come out of here and realize we’re in for the real fight for out lives as we try to reassert authority against these anarchic fowl.

Grade: C, get worried

Art: (Me)

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

Tyra Banks is one of my favorite maniacs in the world, as well as a noted model, media producer, entrepreneur, Harvard graduate (she took like, one class there I think), and “author”, and I treasure every insane thing that comes out of her mouth.

This video interview about everything she eats in a week, feels a little like what an alien might say if you asked them the same question. Her mind is truly a thing of beauty. Ask this woman what she would name a Mexican restaurant and the second thing that pops to mind is “La Burrito Titi??”

Answer: Oh honey, she’s not okay, but she’s having a grand old time

Image: YouTube screenshot

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

Hey babe? I know we’re trying to stay quarantined but uh, there’s this uh, six, possibly eight, inch black fish in Staten Island I gotta pick up so I’ll be back in a few hours. What? Risking what? My personal safety? Okay, so are you gonna make me pass up a free offer of an indeterminate fish in the name of public health? Wow. And here I thought I lived in a free country.

Hints from Hellouise
I literally have no memory of what I ate this week. Oh wait, my boyfriend/jail-cellmate made delicious homemade pierogis, those were cool. I only helped fill the pierogis so I can’t say if they were hard to make, but he said he used this recipe and as the person who ate them I say A+++

Shit you really ought to read
Coronavirus as fairytale. Tips from a mountain hermit. This Daily Mail piece (can’t believe I’m linking to the Daily Mail here) on Trump’s new favorite reporter is a wild ride including a psychic who predicted Oprah’s career. Why is watching boys play music so FRAUGHT?