The rich inner life of my cat

Cracks

Sometimes when I’m stressed, I latch onto a phrase and repeat it to myself ad infinitum like a meditation. A few years ago it was “big fat titties hanging from my tank top,” from Nicki Minaj’s verse in “I’m Out.” These days I find myself thinking often of the phrase, “The rich inner life of my cat.”

It’s soothing to think of all the shenanigans and thoughts I’ve projected onto my hellion daemon, Kitty Empire. In the last few weeks alone she has started feuds with stray cats, tricked my boyfriend into thinking she was smart, led orchestrated attacks against my alarm clock, taken up a part-time gig as a go-go dancer, hired as my intern, among many other pursuits (or should I say…FURSUITS (please kill me))

Anyways, if you’re ever feeling overwhelmed, just think of the rich inner life of my cat.

Theme music for this newsletter
I fell down a YouTube wormhole of old Shindig and Hullaballoo clips which reminded me Sandie Shaw rules and her version of “There’s Always Something There to Remind Me” is excellent music for staring pensively out your window during quarantine/isolation.

Pigeon report + The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
This week the Venn diagram of Pigeon Report and Weird Shit on NYC Craigslist collided in ways I had never imagined before. I was trolling Craigslist late the other night, as ya do, and decided to explore “Lost and Found”

Craigslist is quiet right now because no one wants to go to a stranger’s grimy apartment to get a $20 coffee table. That would be one of the most embarrassing ways to get COVID-19, followed closely by getting it while staying at a TikTok star “hype house.” Turns out Lost and Found is just post after post about lost birds. I can only imagine how sad it must be to lose a pet. Once I had a baby bunny named Operation Irabbiti Freedom (she was born in 2003) and she died very young from being too cute and I still think about that bunny more than some of my closest friends.

I don’t want to…victim (?) blame but why do we keep birds as pets? They are not pleasant, the ones that are smart look miserable in cages and at best they add screeching to our lives and at worst they add screeching to our lives. I had a roommate who had a bird and that bird spent their haunted days screaming into the oblivion and gurl I can relate. Based on Craigslist it seems like if you do choose a bird as a pet there is an 80% chance it’s already escaped. But where does a grey parrot go? Where is the natural habitat for parakeets in Brooklyn? And that’s when it all become clear to me.

First off, let me say that this theory has nothing to do with the fact that I recently binged Wild Wild Country and Tiger King. What it is based on is FACTS. Of which I am awash in.

Pigeons, worried that their ranks are dwindling, are luring other bird species into their bird cult, indoctrinating them in their garbage ways and slowly taking over the city while we all sit inside googling “what sourdough starter thanks” Sorry to those on Craigslist, but Polly is never coming home again and hated it there to begin with.

Grade: B, better those birds are out I guess
Art: (Me)

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

If you had told me that in 2020 noted flamenco guitarist and Love Boat regular Charo would be guiding me through one of America’s darkest moments I would have said, “Yeah, that checks out!”

Charo has been creating the content right now that no one asked for, but we all NEEDED. Charo showing us how to ration toilet paper, how to cure the flu, hand-washing etiquette, surviving social isolation, and so on.

Answer: Charo is the only person who is okay right now

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Hints from Hellouise
Cooking all the time is still fun for me though I am at a point where all I really want is a slice from Rosa’s (best pizza in NYC don’t @ me bro). I have also spend a lot of time thinking about potatoes and what I can do with them. Please send me the potato ideas because I’ve already baked and mashed them so what’s next?????

Shit you really ought to read
When you’re dumb as all hell and now you’re stuck on your honeymoon for eternity. Revisiting Paris Hilton’s bad pop album. What’s it like to be an Instacart shopper right now. An interview with the only nice person from Tiger King. If you don’t appreciate Demi Adejuyigbe what is your problem?