The Rammstein Keyboard Guy
Hello pals, lots to dig into in the latest Cracks, so let’s get to it, shall we?
Thing 1: Hot Under the Collar-History’s Most Stylish
The weather is dropping (similar to “panties”, “out” or “the beat”) and my mind is turning to what I would like to start wearing now that I can wear something besides my emotional support linen neck band from Muji that sops up all my sweat while I wait at Union Square for the 4/5/6 in 103 degree weather.
As such, I started thinking about style. People with style I deeply admire, so I decided to introduce a new semi-recurring Cracks section, where I will share some of history’s greatest style icons.
The first inductees:
E.T. (but only in a wig and dress): I have not watched the film “E.T.” since I was about seven and remember only about 25% of the plot. But you know what I do remember? This stunning avant-garde look E.T. pulled during the movie. This isn’t drag—this is just how E.T. SHOULD always be dressed. Get this alien out of that baggy plaid shirt at once and let’s put him in this shabby chic skirt and blouse ensemble. And the hat? The bangles? Loves it. Coco Chanel was wrong…add forty two more bangles before you walk out the door. You won’t regret it.
The layered, baggy look is very in with the NYC girlies this fall. Honestly if I saw E.T. pulling this fit around East Village while they were on their way to brunch with the gang, I would just assume he was an NYU student.
Bugs Bunny in drag: Okay this one is actually drag, but that is neither here nor there. Bugs’ status as one of America’s greatest drag stars is basically canon . Bugs Bunny in a dress is the epitome of what femininity is to me. Especially his makeup, it’s exquisite. Those lashes! The overdrawn lips!! Drop the tutorial on YouTube stat.
Remember when they made a new “Space Jam”, and they made the girl bunny less “sexy” than the first movie and a bunch of absolute weirdos lost their mind? Where’s the same outrage because Bugs hasn’t been seen in drag in YEARS???? THE STRAIGHTWASHING OF THIS QUEER ICON MUST END.
Miss Kitty: If you think I’m only going to talk about cartoon characters, that’s extremely likely. I can’t help it that Miss Kitty in “Fievel Goes West” is the most beautiful and stylish cat-lady I’ve ever seen. Once again, makeup is impeccable, and I am loving the “tough broad” Mae West vibes she is giving off. She’s a gal with TASTE, she even uses a tin of caviar as a tiny kitty chaise, and always shows off her absolutely impossible (I mean, literally impossible. She’s a cat) cleavage. If Miss Kitty doesn’t convince you to watch “Fievel Goes West,” what if I told you, it’s a film about immigrants and water rights in the 19th century?? Would that make you interested?? DID YOU HEAR ME??? WATER RIGHTS!!!
Tonia Haddix: Ironically the most cartoonish person in this list is supposedly “real.” If you haven’t watched the documentary “Chimp Crazy” I am not sure I would encourage you to, because it makes me so mad to see wild animals caged. It’s an infuriating watch. However, it may be worth it for the movie’s protagonist, the rightly derided Tonia Haddix. Tonia is best described as a full-time monkey and ape torturer, but as awful as she is, she is undeniably pulling a look. And by look, I mean that feeling when you drive past a car accident and really want to drive slowly not for safety’s sake but so you could see if anything fucked up happened. Editor’s Note: Once I was walking home and I saw a guy in the street getting helped by EMT and I could literally see his LEG BONE jutting out of his skin, and there was blood everrrrrywhere and I think about this like once a week. HOW DID THEY GET IT BACK IN???????
I can’t help but kind of love everything about her style--from her lopsided, busted blonde wigs, to the overfilled lips, to eye makeup that makes Tammy Faye Bakker look like a nun, completed with Lolita style outfits that (ironically, I suppose) age her. I love it. It’s a reminder to say, who cares, if I want to look absolutely deranged, as long as I’m feeling it, it’ll work.
Christian Lorenz: I don’t really like the German Industrial Metal band Rammstein. In fact, I would say most of their music is awful (I am sad to say though that “Du Hast” is a bop.) Not sure how then, I managed to end up on Rammstein-tok and have since watched dozens of recent Rammstein performances. Do I like the songs? Absolutely not. Do I watch every Rammstein video that comes up on my FYP? Inexplicably, yes. During this ongoing anthropological study, I discovered that their keyboardist has kooky and delightful style. This man does not look like he should be in Rammstein. He looks like he should be in an early 80’s American alternative party band (hmm, turns out he kinda was in the East German version of that?). Men, I have one question: What is stopping you from dressing like this every single day?
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Stay tuned for future installments my little Cracks readers! Or can I call you all Crackers? Is that a thing?
Thing 2: Not sure who this information is for
I need you to know I once reworked Tom Petty’s “Won’t Back Down” but it’s called “I Fucked a Clown.” It’s about being a carny and making friends.
Thing 3: Pigeon Report
I just learned that every year a bunch of nerds at MIT throw an “alt” version of the Nobel prizes for weird science stuff. I mean, whatever keeps you busy, fine by me. Some of us have better things to do, like watch entire seasons of Selling Sunset in an afternoon or become obsessed with cleaning the crevices in our stoves with a toothpick.
This year this rowdy group of rascals gave their “Peace” prize to noted and controversial psychologist B.F. Skinner for “putting trained pigeons in the nose of missiles to guide them during World War II.”
First question for ol’ B.F.: Why?
And one more quick question: WHY?
“Project Pigeon,” as it was known, was like Oppenheimer but with pigeons instead of nuclear physics. Honestly, it is much scarier if you ask me.
“As part of their training, Skinner also tested the tenacity of the pigeons – testing their psychological fitness, if you will, for battle. He fired a pistol next to their heads to see if loud noise would disrupt their pecking. He put the pigeons in a pressure chamber, setting the altitude at 10,000 feet. The pigeons were whirled around in a centrifuge meant to simulate massive G forces; they were exposed to bright flashes meant to simulate shell bursts. The pigeons kept pecking. They had been trained, conditioned to do so.”-Via Hack Education.
Even I feel a little bad for what these pigeons went through. Why are you interrupting their supper with a gun? B.F. Skinner is a fucking psycho. Here’s the thing though, I bet that gun didn’t bother them at all. I bet they just kept on eating and minded their own damn business. Because it takes more than that to scare a pigeon. Believe me, I know.
Fortunately for the pigeons the project was called off because the military decided to use actual non-pigeon science to solve their problem. I’m starting to think Skinner is just a pigeon sadist. You might think that would endear him to me, but you’re wrong. While I hate pigeons, I hate the American Military-industrial Complex more.
Grade: A? I’ll tell you one thing, I’m no friend to pigeons but B.F. is no “BFF” to me. That’s for damn sure. This one must go to the pigeons.