The cutie babies of life

Me, talking to my coworkers around the ol’ water cooler, “Went to a rave last night and let’s just say things got a little crazy…”

Thing 1: Pigeon Report  

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Pigeon reporting to spotlight (not like the journalists investigating pedo priests, just regular spotlight) a bird I do not hate, and dare I say, even love: The piping plover.

Piping plovers are adorable. They look like a Swedish children’s book illustrator invented them. Teeny little stick legs and then a fat fluffy body, black neck band and a cute black unibrow complete the look, and they are truly the cutie babies of life.

Piping plovers live on beaches across the United States, from reservoirs in Colorado to partying on the Jersey Shore, to helping identify dead bodies floating in Lake Michigan. However, due to *HUMANITY* these little cutie babies are/were endangered and threatened everywhere. We decided to prioritize Summer House, when we should have been prioritizing the TRUE summer house, piping plover nests.

A few years ago, I was walking on a beach in Connecticut and saw three piping plovers hunting and I screamed I was so excited…which was not what they wanted but I could not contain myself. I went home and felt blessed to have seen an animal that numbers in the hundreds. As opposed to pigeons, which number in the thousands at the Seneca train stop alone (whoever is leaving bread out for them every day WILL be hearing from me in hell!)

Last year, someone stole several piping plover eggs from a protected area in the Rockaways and when I read the headline, I tell you I GASPED. True evil still exists out there. And let me tell you, my number one suspect for this crime is: PIGEON. Rest assured, I will avenge those poor dead baby plovs, and I WILL be going “Taken” Liam Neeson on their bird asses.

Grade: A+ I love piping plovers and I pray for them every day.

Thing 2: Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

I absolutely love a female driven sitcom from the laugh-track era, and one of my faves is the genuinely hilarious “Designing Women.” The cast is so stacked it is criminal. You’ve got Annie Potts, you’ve got Jean Smart AND you have Delta Burke. Beyond being a fantastic comic actor, she is just stunningly beautiful. And the outfits on these women are unhinged. They make the Golden Girls look like they’re minimalists. The show rules, and you should watch it.

This is all background to explain why I saw this headline and went…uh, okay?

It’s actually a sad story because the media has continuously treated Delta Burke like shit for gaining weight and whether she was/is fat she’s always been gorgeous and talented and god damn it--as bad as it is for women in public roles, it was REAL bad in the 80’s (fuck u Reagan!!!!)

That said, I can think of WORSE reasons to try meth and I can also think of better. Maybe you did it because you liked the taste, maybe you got into it because it looked cool in those D.A.R.E. PSAs, maybe you tried it because there was nothing good on TV, maybe you took meth because Princess Diana just died, maybe you needed it so you had energy to spend more time at Dave & Buster’s, I could go on.

Answer: I wish Delta the best, and I am glad she is not “trying” meth anymore. She seems to be doing just FINE now!!! And screw people who do not like chubby ladies (I say this as a chubby gal myself.)

Thing 3: Grammy’s Pot Pie

The weird thing about Cat food is that companies are always trying to market it to humans. I think they are worried pet owners won’t find it appetizing, or they’re secretly hoping we all covertly eat cans of cat food WITH our cats, meaning they can sell more. Whatever the reason, this means I am regularly feeding my cat’s “Grammy’s Pot Pie.”

I always wonder who the “Grammy” is. Is it the Cat’s grandma? Because my cat came from a trash can and their grandmother was probably a dumb little hussy with little time to bake. Is the Pot Pie from a human “Grammy”? Why is she making a pie for my cat? Why does my cat like her pot pie better than mine?

I do not need to like what my cat is eating and given that I have seen my cat eat their own vomit, I think they’d be fine with me opening a plain dented can with the words “MEAT” written on it. Why spend money on marketing to a cat audience? They have the stupidest taste. Beyond vomit my Cat Egon regularly watches “The Valley” with me, so you know he doesn’t have a lot going on in the brain department (not that he needs to have a brain, I’m just saying!”