The Cuban Missile Crisis of pigeon news
Does anyone remember the ill-fated early-aughts reality show, “I Wanna Marry Harry?” For those lucky enough never to have seen it (even though it was canceled after four episodes, I have, disturbingly, seen the entire season) it was a rip-off of The Bachelor, but they tried to trick women that the bachelor in question was Prince Harry. And I’m sure they had to keep everyone Judy Garland levels of fucked-up on alcohol and pills to make that one work for even 12 minutes because this dude looked like Prince Harry the way I look like a jar of pickles (yum). And the whole show was supposed to show how shallow and vapid these women must be because they didn’t want to stay with this guy when they found out he wasn’t real, even though he had the personality of a moldy diner washcloth.
(Left, the real Prince Harry, right, a guy who delivers pizza but always insists he’s on the “verge” of starting a jam band, even though he only plays bass alone in his basement.)
I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that right now, life kind of feels like we’re all living inside of “I Wanna Marry Harry,” just a bit?
Theme music for this newsletter
A perfect song for gray January days:
Pigeon Report
I have to say I have received MULTIPLE notes from people about the latest in pigeon news, with this arguably the biggest development since the time I saw one get caught in a lady’s bike in Brooklyn. Yet this time, a pigeon’s stupidity could have consequences for international relations and the well-being of all Americans and Australians. Let me tell you, when I got a Master’s in International Affairs, I didn’t realize that the only time it would come in handy would be in pigeon affairs.
So the short story is, a racing pigeon, a card-carrying member the American Pigeon Racing Union (really hard to be union proud in this case) got lost, because of course it fucking did, and ended up flying from Portland Oregon to Australia. Because the government of Australia has their priorities straight, they were going to put the bird on death row…until in typical pigeon fashion, it turns out the bird was scamming them all.
Quote: “We believe he is not an American pigeon at all — rather an Australian pigeon wearing a knockoff American ring that anyone could buy off eBay,” the organization said.
Why are we not all upset that they let PIGEONS SHOP on Ebay!!!!!!
This is clearly a developing story and I can promise you all, that I will be investigating this case further and I will NOT let this pigeon get away with this chicanery, you can mark my words.
Grade: F, all around, this is the third worst news of 2021 so far.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
As long-time Cracks readers know, I am a devoted fan of “Vanderpump Rules”, a reality show about coked out waitresses and waiters who live for throwing tequila at each other. Before you judge me, noted director and constant giggler-at-Fran Liebowitz, Martin Scorsese loves it too so I’m in good company.
Anyways, Stassi Schroeder the third meanest member of Vanderpump Rules recently had a baby (worth noting she was fired from VR earlier last year because she’s a racist PoS but that’s a story for another time) and boy oh boy, the name she gave it is setting that child up for a lifetime of awkward grimaces from people who first meet it.
World, welcome HARTFORD CHARLIE ROSE.
Let’s break this down, shall we?
Hartford: A city in Connecticut known for…insurance? Mark Twain’s house? Being one of the most boring cities in one of the most boring states?? If you don’t believe me, this is what comes up when you search “what interesting connectivutt?” (I was typing fast sorry for the typo!!!)
Charlie Rose: She…named…her baby…AFTER A HUGE SEXUAL PERVERT!!!? And lest you say you should separate the “art” from the “fartist” I think we can all agree he was/is a boring journalist and not worthy of naming a baby after. Like, if I had to name my kid after a talented asshole, I’d go with “Picasso Spector Santa-Wood.” For her whole life, little Hartford gets to have a gentle reminder of workplace harassment every time she looks at her ID. Guess you gotta get girls started young!
Answer: Literally counting down the minutes till this kid gets their own show on Bravo
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
*Me, standing up and lifting my silver Mr.Peanut goblet to a table of my brave comrades* “Friends, lovers, tonight we ‘sup like KINGS!!!”
Hints from Hellouise
What with the hustle and bustle of life I haven’t yet got back in the habit of making solid real dinner meals most nights. However, I am going to get back into it in earnest by making one of my favorite weeknight meals this week, this truly delightful red beans recipe that got me through many mid-week slumps in 2020. It’s delicious, great as leftovers, and all around yum. My two cents, skip the cream and just go with a ton of mozzarella instead.
Shit you really ought to read
A poet recounts daily life as a Uighur in China. Weathering the pandemic alone. Let’s not forget white women were part of the Capitol attack too. Lizzie McGuire!