The bitch is back

Oh hi…I uh, miss anything?

It’s not like  hordes have been calling for the return of Cracks (although quite a few have reached  out, which like, genuinely, is an absolute thrill for me! Thank you!) because, let’s be real, our inboxes are always a pit of despair and we haven’t EVEN gotten to the primaries yet. How Joe Biden knows my email, phone, address, name of my dead cat, AND shoe size? Impressive.

I just haven’t been writing because 2023 has been utterly too much for my brain most weeks. Nothing worth recounting here, just some years are stressful and busy. And that’s partially an excuse, but there have been SO many times I wanted to put pen to paper, or uh, finger to keyboard. I have several half-finished Cracks floating around and maybe I’ll compile them into a fun “failure” pack for you all at some point. Writing brings me great joy, but the act of writing, even something as stupid as a weekly report on pigeons, takes me a shocking amount of effort. It is utterly painful beforehand, the act itself is dreadful, afterwards you feel great for like one day, and a week later you start vomiting just even THINKING of rereading something you wrote. Two years later is the sweet spot I think. Minimal vomiting.

And so I went on hiatus, due to aforementioned *life stuff* but also because I felt like the format of Cracks was boring to me and if it was boring to me, Jesus Christ how the hell do any of you read it?????????????

This is what I look like while writing Cracks in case you’re wondering

When I started this newsletter years ago I was sick of my story pitches getting no responses, I was burnt tf out on my nonprofit job and writing Cracks, was an absolute pleasure. I was so excited to write I would wake up early on weekends to troll Craigslist or chase pigeons. I mean, I was doing that anyways but now I WROTE about it. It was just what I needed. But when I started feeling bored or annoyed with my own writing, that’s when I was like “we need space.” “We” being me and my brain. 

I actually didn’t return to this because I feel brimming with ideas this week, or even because I’m excited, but because the practice and discipline of writing does mean something. And as dreadful as it is, the longer you leave it, the worse it is to return. 

Another part of why it’s been so hard for me to sit down and write Cracks is because the format was feeling like too much. And that sounds crazy since I mainly wrote about Reba and AllRecipes.com, but I just couldn’t fathom having something interesting to say for my regular sections. So in the interim, Cracks will just be THREE THINGS for a while. And one or all of those three things may be my usual fare (I mean, I completely missed weighing in on SCANDOVAL—lost opp of a lifetime, and I will be referencing it until I die) or it might just be like two haikus and my grocery list. I don’t know, I haven’t thought this through particularly well.

So without further ado, here are…THREE THINGS

Thing 1: Pigeon Report

Have I talked about how utterly lazy pigeons are at making nests? Even if I have, it bears repeating, no one ever gave less of a shit about their child’s welfare than a pigeon parent. Don’t believe me?

Exhibit A:  

Pigeon parents are just like “Fuck it, I spent 20 minutes on this, looks fine to me!” Coincidentally, pigeons make nests for their eggs like I make Ikea furniture: badly, and probably leading to the death of at least one child. A pigeon in Canada even made a nest out of syringes (ok it might be a hoax, but it checks out to me.) Now that’s recycling! Leave it to those progressive boys up north to reduce, reuse and return to the hell from whence they came.

Grade: F, Jesus! An F!!! Just google “pigeon nest” and tell me I’m wrong.

Thing 3: Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

Barbara you cheeky little rascal! What WILL you do next??? Jimmy Carter must have been giggling like a schoolgirl. So what saucy message did you send him?

Huh. Okay…that’s, is that a joke? I can’t tell. Why does this look like it was photocopied, photographed and then put on Instagram? Maybe I’m too young to understand.  But I want to be old enough to have the WISDOM to be this CHEEKY

Thing 3: Facebook groups are the heart of America

95% of the reason I am still on Facebook is so I can follow the drama in the various neighborhood and niche interest groups (hence why I am in the instant pot community group despite not owning or having used an instant pot ever.)

Lately I’m all about this lady in our community group I’ll call “Charlotte.” Charlotte gives everyone multiple updates throughout the week as to what various grocery items cost. So if you’re wondering:

And if you delete a post in the group, god help you, Charlotte will be putting you in the public stocks for a shaming.

The power of being an admin in a neighborhood Facebook group has really gone to Charlotte’s head. The desire to write about eggs or chicken prices on a daily basis is too much for her to resist. We are all beholden to Charlotte’s inner thoughts, because she is the admin and we are but servants to her whims. I cannot help but stan.

Lastly

Believe it or not I have never heard Elton John’s “The Bitch is Back,” until recently and I was charmed. However the lyrics make no sense, it’s about a 5 year old behaving badly?

So I have created some reworked lyrics you may want to use next time you sing along (best to start at 2:25 and go from there)

I’m a bitch/I’m a bitch/I’m a bitch/I’m a bitch/I’m A LITTLE TINY WITCH/I’m a bitch/I’m a bitch/I’m a bitch/I’m a bitch/ I’m A LITTLE TINY WITCH WITH A TINY WITCH HAT