Tanned meat

Cracks

Hello mah lil’ babies, it’s gonna be a short one this week. I spent most of my weekend on the phone with customer service representatives (for deeply boring reasons I’d love to bore you with at your next house party) and my body has been depleted completely. I must go to a shaman, priest, or Gwyneth Paltrow to get myself back on track. Enjoy these Cracks crumbs in the meantime.

Theme music for this newsletter
Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off. WE CAN DRINK SOME CHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY WINE! UH HUH! NA! NA!

Credit to Sophisticated Boom Boom for introducing me to this treasure.

Pigeon report
So they uh, made a robot pigeon. Why a pigeon though? Why not…literally any other bird? Is there an impending pigeon shortage I’m not aware of? Why not make a Dodo? Those chubby dudes don’t even exist any more and I’d rather they come back then live in a dystopian future where I’m arrested by a robot pigeon cop.

Grade: F, for fucking terrifying
Art: (Me)

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
This video of Paris Hilton making lasagna is so engrossing and deeply stupid, I love it so much. Every part is so special to me and my heart.

• The fact the only seasoning used is a random container of Himalayan sea salt she found

• Paris telling us she is really good at cooking but she also hasn’t grated cheese since she was a child

• Grating cheese is “so brutal”

• She wears motorcycle gloves the entire video, and her long hair dangles precariously over the lasagna the whole video

• She “tans” the meat, which is the only way I’m describing cooking meat from now on.

• NO GARLIC???? OR ONIONS????

• #ParisLasagna

Grade: A+++ this video is now my religion.