Soul cake

Crack

I went to the oldest standing building in Manhattan this weekend, the Morris-Jumel mansion which more than a building is really a testament to how hated one quirky lady from the early 19th century can be. The second owner was Eliza Jumel, this woman who was born poor but managed to climb her way up the ladder. Apparently everyone thought she was trashy which I call bullshit on because she had excellent taste in wallpaper and clearly the critics hate a nice statement wallpaper. Her ghost even came back to tell some little kids to “shut-up.” I love her so much.

She was an orphan who moved to New York and worked as an actress and then married rich which is very smart, and also pretty cool given her other career options at the time were “wench” or “wooden teeth-haver” But every damn plaque in the house was like “This was the living room, where Eliza would be bossy”, or “Here’s the parlor, where no one liked Eliza.” Okay! We get it you hate women, but no need to editorialize a local historical marker. What I’m trying to say is, if you read any account of a woman from prior to 1950 and she’s described as “difficult” or unconventional” she was probably the only interesting person in the room back then.

Also I asked the staff if this house was haunted and they didn’t give me a resounding yes, so I can’t promise you’ll get what you pay for. I for one, sadly, encountered no angry old lady ghosts.

Pigeon report

I only had standard pigeon experiences this week, meaning only boring-awful, like the kind of awful that just IS the human condition. I was thinking about my distaste for pigeons, and how I recoil when they throw me a beady eyed stare, but meanwhile there are other birds whose presence I would welcome with *Scott Stapp voice* arrrrrrrrrrms wide opEN. Like once I was in the mountains and some little hummingbirds were feeding off of a porch and I put up my fat finger and those little rainbow angels sat on my finger, as they supped on sugar water aka Mt.Dew. And I was absolutely thrilled, what magic, what a moment! Meanwhile, if a pigeon did that shit, it would be the only legit reason I might ever call the cops.

9-1-1: Hello this is 9-1-1, wazzzup?
Me: HELP A PIGEON TOUCHED ME
9-1-1: Drops the phone for a second, they’ve never been so shocked in their lives years of training have brought them to this moment. Ma’am, hold tight, we’re sending in a bomb squad now.
Me: Hurry!!!!

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
There are so many important things happening in the world, and yet, and YET, I found myself wondering if the Big-Bang Theory spin-off “Young Sheldon” was still on TV, and that if it was, one could arguably blame all of our country’s ills on its continued existence. A cursory Google answered my question. Yes. The cursed Young Sheldon continues and god is dead.

Why, you might ask, am I so judgmental about a TV show that I do not watch? I don’t know man, like the fact that they wanted a spinoff of a very bad sitcom, and not just a spin-off but a spin-off of the worst character, and like the whole show is framed around “family values” and clearly targeted to undecided Trump voters, just rankles me. Centuries from now when the last living humans are running from burning tar pit to burning tar pit as they try and outrun the perpetual dust bowl, they’re going to find a singed copy of a Young Sheldon pilot script and know that this, this was the moment it all fell apart.

All of this lead up is to say Young Sheldon was protesting climate change with Jane Fonda recently, because if you’re anyone, the PLACE to be is protesting with Barbarella, but apparently Young Sheldon was too young to be arrested. Am I supposed to feel differently about him now? Stand on the rooftop and scream “We STAN A QUEEN!?” Because I still hate that dumb show and I still don’t care about Yung Sheldon.

Grade : C, nice try nerd

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

Every part of this Missed Connection is so inexplicably weird, I can’t think of a single funny thing to say. Just…read it.
Photo (Craigslist screenshot)

Hints from Hellouise
Phew Thanksgiving was a banger this year, amirite? I made two stuffings, count ‘em Deborah, TWO stuffings. One was a veggie chorizo/jalapeno/cilantro cornbread number and the other was a sexy little traditional bacon-oyster jawn. Next year, I say, only make stuffings, and forget about everything else. Forget about your bills, forget about your wife, forget about your student loans, go full Sheila and throw your homework into the fire and MAKE 17 STUFFINGS.

Shit you really ought to read
The Quiet Protests of Sassy Mom Merch-The New Yorker Hello this newsletter also doubles as a Jia Tolentino stan account.

Pete Buttigieg Is a Lying MF-The Root. A thoughtful personal take on Pete’s stupid bootstraps view of the world

Your weekly jam
The other day, I genuinely wondered whether there would be less strife in this world if people fully acknowledged that the Police album “Oulandos d’Amour” is actually a perfect power-pop album and stupid good, even though Sting does seem like an alien who just landed on our planet. Can’t Stand Losing You is a blessed song, please @ me.

I dated a guy for a whole who worked as an engineer in a studio where Sting was recording a Christmas album, a thing nobody asked for and we all got. Sting recorded “Soul Cake” which is one of those weird medieval holiday songs no one actually likes. Anyways he says the whole time Sting sounded like he was saying “asshole cake” instead of “soul cake” and that it has bothered him till this very day. And now you and I can be bothered too this holiday season!