Smells like Mr.Worldwide

I can honestly say I will never be cooler than when I was 12 and my friend’s mom took us to run errands and I was chilling at a Home Depot wearing a homemade spray-painted Clash shirt, wool beret, and cut off army pants from the 70’s. It’s just not possible to reach that high again.

Theme music for this newsletter         

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to this song since Friday.  It’s relatable because I have often thought of how I’m going to get fired, and you also make me so tired.

Pigeon Report   

Jesus Christ this title…what is this, Vice circa 2004? I’m suing YouTube for suggesting this video to me.

Grade: F!!!

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers       

Please don’t ask me how I got there, but all I know if that Amazon suggested Pitbull’s (Mr. WORLDWIDE!!) perfume for women to me and now my whole life has gone into a tailspin. Pitbull is truly the renaissance man. 

And what does the Pitbull woman smell like I wonder? What is she LIKE? I imagine worldly (again…Mr.WORLDWIDE), ever present on rap tracks for the last twenty years, smooth and shiny like Pitbull’s glowing orb of a head.

Answer: I’m sorry but nothing can go wrong while I am protected by the smell of Pitbull

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently      

I was always more of a Backstreet gal myself as a child, so this is gonna be a no from me dawg.    

Hints from Hellouise           

My friend generously gave me her old slow cooker today, and it is much bigger than the one I bought for $2 at a haunted estate sale years ago, and I am ready. To. Party. I had an overwhelming urge to make queso in it, which I realize is something people usually do for like, Super Bowl parties, and not to eat at home alone during a pandemic but…when in Rome I guess!!!!

Just thinking of sitting at my table as I ladle queso into my mouth like soup is already cheering me up.

Shit you really ought to read             

You guys, I kind of love Matthew McConaughey? Ah yes, I’m glad our President has turned to falconers for guidance now. I like my crime shows best in quaint rainy British villages. It’s Teresa Marie Mailhot, so duh this is great.