She's Whoopsie!
*Looks out the window* Have you ever felt, like idk, a plastic bag?
Theme music for this newsletter
As we think about the America we want in the future, there has been a painful and also hopeful reckoning with our messed-up history. I know this is not pressing but in case people are taking nominations I’d like to put forth a suggestion for what we might want to use as our national anthem going forward…
Why this song makes for a better anthem:
1. It’s a song for everybody, easy to learn the lyrics, no weird high-pitched parts
2. Celebrates both individuality and community
3. The guests included Wolfman, Dracula, and his son
4. Can you imagine all of us standing with our hands over our hearts singing this?
5. It is a good idea, you have to admit it
Pigeon report
Last week I left NYC for the first time in 17,000 decades and went to the beach. It was nice to get away to…literally anywhere. At this point I would give my left foot just to wander aimlessly around a WaWa off I-95.
The best part of a beach was knowing there were no pigeons. The worst part is the pigeons of the beach (read: seagulls) are bad too. Do you want to know who loves seagulls though? Neil Diamond. That guy could not get enough of their beady little eyes. He loved them so much, he made an entire concept album based on Jonathan Livingston Seagull, it’s just one big dumb movie/album about a seagull, and I am not exaggerating when I say it is the most boring music you will ever hear in your life.
But just a little teeny part of me has been inspired to now make my own concept album about my complicated relationship with pigeons. Please stay tuned for my stunning debut record sure to win me accolades and fans the world over.
Grade: A+ to me for my burgeoning music career
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I’ve been completely forgetting to share my new obsession with Tippi Hedren and her insane collection of large cats. I have been aware of her weird passion for owning tigers, but it wasn’t really front of my mind until I heard this interview with her Granddaughter Dakota Johnson, where she casually mentions that her 90 year-old grandmother still owns a bunch of tigers.
As if that isn’t weird enough I then learned for the first time about “Roar”, a 1981 “comedy” film about large cats starring Tippi, directed by her then-husband and co-starring her then-teenage daughter Melanie Griffith. It was a comedy, if by comedy you mean the most dangerous film ever made, with 70 people seriously attacked. What laughs! It took 11 years to make and destroyed their entire family and everybody had their faces ripped off. LAUGHS!!!!
Anyways I was dying to know more so I emailed Tippi’s publicist and asked if she would be interested in doing a Q&A. Unfortunately, this was the response I got:
Hello Beatrice:
Thank you for your interest in Ms Hedren.
At this time, in full agreement of the family, the board of The ROAR Foundation and the Shambala.org staff, as well as Ms Hedren herself, Tippi will be taking the rest of 2020 off to completely recuperate from her recent surgery.
Although doing very well, it has been decided that there will be no appearances, interviews or anything that contributes to stress of any kind, so as to completely and fully recover.
Thank you again for your interest - I know that Tippi appreciates it very much.
Answer: At least SOMEBODY appreciates my interest in Tippi Hedren.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Look I don’t even have time to START in on the weird psychosocial drama I started to find when I ended up on message boards looking for more information on the “Whoopsie” doll, suffice to say a lot of people have STRONG feelings about Whoopsie (and are really mad their parents threw away their Whoopsie doll).
Unrelated, I have a strong feeling that Whoopsie might be what people call me behind my back.
Hints from Hellouise
Well it’s that time of year where my lone A/C unit takes a look at me and says “it’s you or me bitch, we can’t both make it out this summer alive,” as it’s motors gear up and try to keep my railroad apartment below 85 degrees.
Which also means, I only turn on my oven if I’m desperate (like pizza rolls or something y’know.)
For those in a similar position, might I suggest spring rolls? They are the easiest thing on earth to make, only require warm water for the rolls and vermicelli noodles and you can stuff them with all the tasty flavors. I roll mine like a 3-year old who hasn’t had enough sensory play in their life, but they always TASTE fine, and once you smear them with homemade peanut sauce, sriracha and hoisin, it doesn’t matter if they collapse in my hand.
Shit you really ought to read
My Body Is a Confederate Monument. How have I not been following this genius before? The “Ellen” curse.