Relationship Hack: Poisonous mushrooms
Once a guy stopped in the middle of our date at a coffee shop to take me to a Sheetz™ when I said I had never been to one. And that’s not a weird sex-metaphor, he like, drove us to the Sheetz gas station and just walked around for ten minutes and he pointed out all his favorite things to me while I said, “oh, ok”.
In a way, Cracks is the same dynamic, where I am the weird dude, and you are all me.
Theme music for this newsletter
Sometimes I like to walk around my neighborhood on a crisp winter afternoon listening to Julie London, and pretend I’m the main character in a movie, despite the fact I know I’m lady-in-one-scene-for-ten-seconds-with-no-lines-going-way-too-hard.
Pigeon Report
I realize I’m coming a bit late to this, but just a reminder that Sen. Chuck Grassley (Iowa-R), newly re-elected (that’s the only thing still new about him ‘eh?), is also the beltway’s #1 rescuer of (dead) pigeons. When I heard he won, my first thought was “vom this guy is the worst” but not even one nanosecond later my second thought was “omg remember this guy and his dead pigeon tweet?” Folks, this is why I am broken, both inside and out:
There are so many parts to this that downright boggle the ol’ brain-bean. One is that this was ONE day after RBG died AND we were in the throes of COVID-19 in the US, pre-vaccine, hospitals turning people away, people literally losing loved ones, …but you know what WASN’T lost? A dead pigeon. Chuck found it for you. Secondly, why is the punctuation so POETIC? Thirdly, this man is like 9000 years old, why is he wandering around where he can find dead pigeons? This man needs some Ovaltine and a Hitler documentary on the History Channel to watch. Oh wait…he doesn’t care much for the History Channel:
I mean really really doesn’t care for them:
Wow…did the History Channel kill his wife?
Grade: For once I’m on the pigeon’s side, and if their family wanted to avenge them, I fully endorse that. I do NOT endorse Chuck Grassley in any way, shape, or form.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
My friend informed me recently that Tiffany Trump, who was just married (who cares, I know, I know), met her now-husband at LINDSAY LOHAN’s BEACH CLUB IN MYKONOS (I care now!!)
I’ve been fascinated with Lindsay’s weird Greek beach club ever since I heard it existed, and now I know it is truly a cursed and magical place. What Greek god* of horror and mischief made this weird coincidence happen???
Anyways, I just wanted to inform you all, since this news has shaken my world.
*I think that same god must also have put a curse on Lindsay, because the beach club only lasted a year, but it lasts an eternity in our hearts
Answer: I hope Tiffany and her husband are doing terrible, and I hope Lindsay Lohan is having a nice day =)
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I know this doesn’t seem very weird, but imagine if you walked into Virginia Woolf’s house and she had this up? Pretty weird, right????
THE ENDORSEMENT
The endorsement I have for my dearest Cracks readers is: poisoning men with mushrooms. I came to this conclusion after watching Sofia Coppola’s revision/remake of The Beguiled (this is not related to the mushrooms, but I learned afterwards that the original from the 70’s had multiple women of color in the film and I guess Sofia saw that and said “Black people? Not in my movies!!!) The ending of The Beguiled gives me strong Phantom Thread vibes when it came to mushrooms as a plot device. Not since the Mario Movie with John Leguizamo and Bob Hoskins have mushrooms been so integral in film.
Now *SPOILER ALERT FROM FILMS THAT ARE NOW SEVERAL YEARS OLD* in each film, the women in the center of the film solve their problems by dosing the asshole-men in their lives with poisonous mushrooms. And what I’m wondering is—why don’t we all just do this more regularly? We don’t have to kill them, the lady in Phantom Thread had it all figured out. When a guy treats you like shit, give him just enough mushrooms to ALMOST die. Not DIE-DIE.
Come on ladies! Who’s with me? Let’s live a lil’ eh?