Radical edgy feline personality
I suppose I should be bothered that Chuck E. Cheese (or as he’s formally known, Charles Entertainment Cheese) is scamming people into thinking their pizza is some artisanal batch speciality bullshit. Honestly though, I’m a little…impressed? Truly the hustle is not lost on this musician/entrepreneur rat.
I wish I could be so boldly capitalist and sketchy, I really do. Instead, like most people I spend more time than necessary slogging through moral quandaries at every turn. I do try to be conscious of how my actions impact others, but now as everything is so loaded, even taking a walk makes me feel like I’m going to make a mistake. It’s echausting. I should just lean in like Chuck and do what feels convenient. We should all stop worrying and just manifest the Pasqually’s pizza into our own lives.
Theme music for this newsletter
Wish I had a lover I could spurn while blasting this:
Pigeon report
Turns out the people of Germany get hoodwinked real easy. Apparently it’s illegal in Cologne to feed pigeons, resulting in a $1000 fine. I commend the city of Cologne for standing up for what’s right. Well, until they cowed to the pigeon lobby, as they now allow it because the birds have been starving “amidst the pandemic”? Clearly a ruse on the part of the pigeons, since I live in the city hardest hit by COVID-19 IN THE WORLD and I saw a pigeon eating a hot dog with great gusto the other day. Sorry to say that yet again, the Germans have fallen for a dangerous and charismatic leader, but this time, they’re covered in feathers.
Grade: D to the people of Germany, A+ to those devious Tauben
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Subscribing to a shitty tabloid rag was the best decision I’ve made for myself, though certainly a bad decision when it comes for the overall state of journalism. I’m learning more about low-level celebrities than I’ve ever needed to, which is kind of where my brain always is. I always wonder if I knew less about Val Kilmer’s relationship with Lou Reed whether I might be better at speaking Russian. Guess we’ll never know.
Star has also reminded me of one of the worst d-list celebrities of all, Farrah Abraham, who first rose to fame on MTV’s classic “Teen Mom” and then parlayed her 16th second of fame with a career in the adult-film industry, a memoir, the occasional ASMR video with her daughter, and a very ill-advised music career. On paper that all sounds fine, but her desperation for attention even makes ME cringe a little.
Anyways she is LOVING coronavirus season.
Answer: Didn’t you hear her? She’s LOVING IT!!!
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I have to say, I might be the right lady for this project.
Hints from Hellouise
In the great scheme of things, being denied picnics and BBQs is not that bad, but being denied weird mayo-based summer salads does make me a little sad. I love weird summer dishes!! Is mayo appropriate for sitting outside in the sun for hours? Probably NOT, but I don’t CARE.
And for those of you who say, eww good riddance to mayonnaise, I do have a solid non-Mayo potato salad recipe I’ve used for a few years now that is truly delicious and basically I could shovel this into my mouth for hours. Also the dressing for this salad seems like it could double-up as an excellent marinade for tofu or chicken, which may be next on my to-do list.
Shit you really ought to read
Racist teens on Tik Tok. The pro-life movement has always been bullshit. Threats to nail technicians working during the pandemic. Rudy Giuliani is a hot mess!!