Quarantine Qlub Qids

Cracks

Welp I done it again. Got myself in a real scrape cuz I’m a grade-A rascal. I, like the genius I am, decided a layover in South Korea to and from Thailand would surely be a safe bet because they’re a democracy and seem to have their shit together. WRONG. Diseases have no preference for political structure, finding homes in China (classic capitalist-authoritarian-communist regime), S.Korea (sassy constitutional republic), and Italy (a fun mix of wannabe/actual fascists that haven’t quite had it together since something-B.C.)

When I arrived at JFK I assumed I’d be given the real once-over, but all I was greeted with was a deeply bored CBP dude intoning “You been to DAY-GOO?” and then rolling his eyes and shooing me away when I mentioned a layover in Seoul.

I would like to preface this with the fact that I am NOT a hypochondriac. I once seriously considered eating something I dropped on the floor of the subway. BUT I am extremely self-conscious, socially anxious, and obsessed with whether people hate me, and I feel like I’d piss off people if I accidentally gave their grandma COVID-19. So I called the NYC Dept. of Health and they said, “Stay home and think about what you’ve done young lady.” So here I am, a week in, and I am deeply bored and ambivalent. Welcome to 2020.

Theme music for this newsletter
I’ll be straight-forward for once in my life and tell you that truthfully, I am listening to Shostakovich Symphony no.12, which I think actually pairs nicely with my mood after a week inside my railroad-style NYC apartment.

Pigeon report
In a frightening turn, while creeping on my neighbors (shout out to my deck for supporting me in my Harriet the Spy endeavors) I learned that next door someone KEEPS PIGEONS AS PETS. Not much to report now but I am sure nefarious things are afoot. Stay tuned in for this developing story.

Grade: C+, concerning turn of events
Image: (Me)

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Celebrities’ response to a genuinely concerning public health issue is…really giving me life right now.
Have I mentioned that I’m obsessed with Vanderpump Rules? That show checks every box in my tiny brain.

Vapid wanna-be stars? CHECK. Obvious cokeheads fighting over which of them is less-relevant at any moment? CHECK. A frightening use of lip-fillers? CHECK AND CHECK.

In particular, of all the cursed cast members, DJ James “The White Kanye” Kennedy may be the absolute worst cast member, and maybe one of the worst people on TV? He’s a young British whippersnapper with Daddy issues who lived with an older sugar-daddy for a while (actually, that’s the most respectful thing about him), regularly berates people in-between recording music that would fit perfectly at a bar mitzvah in 2009, and now dates/periodically cheats on a human-version of Bambi.

Anyways, he seems pretty concerned that in our desperation for one moment of glory with him, we will get him sick. Oh if only it were that easy James. But it’s nice to know that this is what came to his mind. Won’t we all think of poor old James??? And yet...he still plans on doing his weekly DJ gig which consists of approx 75 people in a 8x8 room?

P.S. I am putting in a little prayer that DJ James Kennedy reads this and gets mad at me because if we started feuding I think I would die from happiness

Answer: Okay we give you break
Image: Twitter

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
This collection of books is extremely relatable.

Photo: Screenshot

Hints from Hellouise
One way to stave off boredom while quarantined is cooking, which I plan on really throwing myself into in the coming days. I’d welcome any labor-intensive recipes you have, because when will I ever be so bored and so home-bound again?

Yesterday I made latkes because they are a perfect food. I sometimes have issues making them because I am a gentile and I only recently realized the key to perfect potatoes is shredding them and then soaking and washing them extremely thoroughly to get rid of starch. The more you know.

Shit you really ought to read
When Coronavirus Quarantine Is Class Warfare Charlie Warzel is one of like…three columnists at the NY Times who don’t annoy me. Excellent piece here on the class divides COVID-19 reveals, and also makes me think a little of ways I can distance myself from participating in such a closed existence, no matter how easy it might be; The Myth of the Progressive Boss (Cenk Uygur sucks); The Tyranny of Terrazzo Will the millennial aesthetic ever end? No.