New underwear, new life
Man, it’s kind of wild how capitalism can make you believe, I mean really believe, for even a moment that a pair of underwear can change your life. I bought some underwear from this brand (name withdrawn) that is run by women, makes their product in the U.S. and pays people appropriately, and the fabric is environmentally sound, you get the idea, right? All the good stuff. And I feel so…SUPERIOR for buying them. They’re not cheap, which makes sense because when something is cheap there’s probs at least some slave-labor involved. But does buying this thing make me a good person? No. It’s just wild that in the year of our Lorde 2020, we believe that our purchases, our consumption is a reflection of whether we’re a good person or not.
Anyways I’m waiting with bated breath for these underwear to arrive so I can start my new, improved, better life. Cracks will never be the same.
Theme music for this newsletter
Perfect music for walking around the graveyard during your lunch break. I speak from personal experience, obviously.
Pigeon Report
Received a hot tip to pigeon report this week about a disturbing trend of Parisian pigeons getting their little legs caught in hair which causes their toes to fall off. I hate pigeons, but I don’t wish them to suffer, and certainly not because of humans. If they must perish, let it be because of their own stupidity. Now if they were SMART, they would just put on little custom pidge shoes.
Grade: C, for pigeons trying to do the best they can in this hairy world
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I can say, completely without irony that I am SO EXCITED for this cheap-ass Wendy Williams biopic. If I can track it down, I may end up doing an entire edition of Cracks dedicated to it? I mean, to quote Wendy, “COME ON NOW!”
Answer: YES WE’RE ALL HAVING A GREAT TIME (especially the actress playing Wendy, who neither looks, nor sounds, like Wendy at all)
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Literally just vomited in my mouth
Hints from Hellouise
People who complain about holiday decorations are literally the worst. Unless someone has a gun to your head and is forcing you to hang up lights (note to self, pitch this The Hallmark Channel), just shut up, your opinion is boring.
I busted out my demented ornaments, including my cursed tree angel that I love with all my heart. All you need to make your own is hot glue, an old t-shirt, tin foil, cardboard and the fear of god!
Shit you really ought to read
The sweater part in this killed me. Hi this made me want to scream into a pillow. Turkey terror!!! The top 5 rat movies.