Naturally, we'll start with the baby murder

I think we can all agree, that everything went to hell when Google bought the Gmail domain from Garfield.   If only we had stayed in that simple time! Everyone always says they’d go kill baby Hitler if they could time travel, which for sure would be one of my stops, but along the way of my baby murdering spree, I’d make sure to prevent Gmail from leaving Garfield’s lasagna-stained paws. Surely that would stop the chain of events that led to…*looks around* this.

Theme music for this newsletter     

Saturday night I insisted on playing this song and forced my household to role-play that we were recent divorcees at a Chili’s dancing to this song. Let’s just say this MOM got a little loose and ended up on the table at some point! Don’t worry, I didn’t knock over the guac and chips (#notketo #dontcare #girlsnightin)! It’s wine o’clock somewhere!

Pigeon Report   

In my years as a preeminent Pigeon reporter (where’s MY Pulitzer HMMMMM?) I’ve seen a lot of crazy things. And I often wonder, what if pigeons stop being weird? What if I run out of things to write about?

But then you find yourself riding your bike through Clinton Hill and the woman in front of you on a bike literally runs over a whole ass pigeon and the pigeon literally goes through the spokes and does a 360 and then somehow gets out and flies away?????

The whole time this was happening (all 5 seconds) this woman had no idea. Or maybe she did and it was just a hit and run. I mean it was definitely a hit and run, what am I talking about. And as much as I hate pigeons I felt really bad for the pigeon and not bad for the lady at all. I had an overwhelming urge to yell “holy fuck you ran over a pigeon!” but that would require me to engage with a stranger which always ends with them revealing they believe we’re currently in a race war, or that the Loveland Frog isn’t real, or other disappointing and disturbing things. 

Grade: A, wherever you are little pigeon dude, I wish you well.

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers       

First off, let me make it clear that I cannot stand the musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Everything that annoys me about theater kids, is pretty much exclusively tied to his kind of theater.

Though of course, as I have mentioned in Cracks before, I have a soft spot for his roller-skating psychosexual train musical, Starlight Express. It is, and I wish I could say I was joking, one of the longest running musicals playing in Germany. That pretty much tells you everything.

Anyways, so I legit thought Andrew Lloyd Webber was dead? But he isn’t! And he loves WAP just like everyone else! Something about this video chills me to my very core, but I also can’t stop watching it.

Answer: Awww look at him go! He’s having a great time!

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently      

   Teach a man to summon a demon and he’ll never go hungry a day in his life.

Hints from Hellouise         

I just bought some macramé cord so hold tight to your butts y’all.

Shit you really ought to read           

Justice and safety without police. How racism lead to hotter neighborhoods. The teen running Scots-Wikipedia.