My tensions with pigeons have never been higher or more fraught
As a rule, I hate publishing things on Tuesdays. Don’t ask me to explain. But there has been so much momentous recent news, that I knew it was my duty to get this out to you ASAP. Read on.
Theme music for this newsletter
You’ll understand soon enough why I chose this as the theme for this week:
Pigeon Report
I feel like after this week I have now been to hell and back. I have seen the darkest recesses of life, and I did not cower, but I will not go back.
To back-up a bit, remember in the last Cracks when I joked about Voodoo pigeons? Yeah? I’m a complete idiot. Because OBVIOUSLY I have now been taught a lesson and I promise you I will never joke about Voodoo pigeons again.
Why?
Let me tell you a tale.
A few days (eternities) ago, I was taking a walk during the rare sunny February NYC day. It was beautiful out, and I was walking down Forest Ave., and even though school had just let out, no teens were making fun of me. I was on top of the world. I walked through that weird lil’ triangle under the Forest M where some psycho leaves out loaves of bread for pigeons.
“God,” I thought to myself, “what a bunch of dummies.”
But reader, I would soon learn it was I who was the dummy.
Suddenly time stopped still. A pigeon swooped right at me, and as it flew over me, it pooped. It pooped on my purse.
Did you hear me?
A pigeon pooped. ON ME.
I screamed. My vision blurred. My life flashed before my eyes, and I thought of my loved ones, knowing that my life was over. I wondered if I was going to die. And if I was going to die, had I worn cute enough underwear to be found dead in? No. I hadn’t. Fuck. Must. Persevere.
So, I caught my breath and said “UGH.” And then rifled through my bag to try and find a wet wipe to clean off my purse but all I could find was a pantiliner (yeah not to brag, but I’m kinda a “lite” gal) So I was standing in the street wiping pigeon shit off my purse with a fucking pad and just feeling like I never realized being a victim to a terrorist act could be so embarrassing.
Eric Adams is right…. NYC IS FILLED WITH CRIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will get my revenge…somehow…some way…someday.
Grade: F!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I have spoken many times over the years in Cracks about my…admiration for Wendy Williams? Love? Respect? None of those words really summarize why I’ve always been fascinated by talk show host Wendy Williams. Because I don’t love her, and half the time find myself horrified by her. I just think she’s the kind of performer/pop cultural figure you don’t see anymore. And now, pour one out for all kids stuck at home sick watching daytime TV in the aughts because The Wendy Williams show…is NO MORE.
Not to say Wendy wasn’t without MANY faults (more than a few UGGGGGGGGh moments from her over the years,) but she is of a time when being a talk show host had less to do with whether you were already famous (Drew Barrymore, Ellen DeGeneres) and more about whether you were simply entertaining to watch while talking with other people. And oh, Wendy was/is so much more entertaining than her guests. I mean, you got to respect a woman who co-produced a documentary about her life called, “What a mess!”
She’s not dead, and hopefully not unwell, and I’m really bummed I never attended a free taping. Can you imagine!?
Answer: She’s an icon, she’s a legend, and she is the moment. C’mon now!
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I mean, I 100% will be watching this when it premieres on TLC.
Shit you really ought to read
Why did that guy jump through a cake in the “November Rain” video? A journey to find what was stolen, and lost. Was mainlining this podcast all weekend, absolutely riveted.