Just smellin'
The economy has gone to shit, yet there are still 396 Orange Julius’s still open. Things are gonna be alright!
Theme music for this newsletter
Serbia was ROBBED this year at Eurovision:
Pigeon Report
I have SO much pigeon news for y’all, but I must pace myself. No one needs to spend every waking moment pissed at pigeons. That’s what I’m here for. I’ll take the burden from you. It’s fine, I’m like the Jesus Christ of people cranky at pigeons…or something.
Anyways, my Facebook neighborhood community group (a truly strange place that’s half retired cops posting “Blue Lives Matter” memes and then the other half people asking for advice on lost cats and sandwiches) devolved into utter chaos a few weeks ago, all because of a pigeon. The screenshots below are just the beginning. This thread went on and on. I don’t know how it went from someone hating pigeons to a boomer vs. millennial fight, but this is hell and I live here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I wondered *Carrie Bradshaw voice* if people would judge me just as harshly if I publicly said I thought pigeons were gross…
Now I worry one of my neighbors is going to find this newsletter and out me as a pigeon-hater to the community and I’ll be tarred and feathered (appropriate, really) and sent out of town.
Grade: C, just because I didn’t have to deal with the injured pigeon myself.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Have I written here before about Barbara Streisand? If not, I want you to know I love her. Not so much for her music, as I’m more partial to her film output (“Yentl” is…the moment.) And what’s not to love? She’s a gorgeous older woman, absolutely batshit insane (‘memba when she cloned her dog and wrote an OpEd about it?), casually hooked up with Brando and a bunch of other hotties, and I treasure her. Something to aspire to. I mean, come on, you can’t tell me bringing your two cloned dogs in a stroller to view the grave of the original dog isn’t…something.
Babs latest contribution to my dreams (and nightmares) is this TikTok of this poor old gardener forced to spend all his time making Barbara the perfect rose, one worthy of her name.
Can you even imagine the late-night phone calls this guy was getting? But she remains deeply committed to her rose, so it must be worth it.
Answer: But you know what? It’s great for just smellin’
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I reported this post as a hate crime.
THE ENDORSEMENT
Freaky fundamentalist Mormons. I don’t mean I endorse the lifestyle, but I cannot get ENOUGH of reading about and watching freaky fundamentalist Mormons ever since I started “Under the Banner of Heaven.” I realized when I started watching it that I know WAY too much about FLDS already for someone who isn’t remotely Mormon, but they’re like, America’s most treasured cult, so like, OF COURSE I’M DOUBLING DOWN ON READING WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES ABOUT MORMON HISTORY.