JNCOs do the work a purse just can't
Crack
My friend was telling me the other day about how her two-year old daughter is really into serving her coffee or tea, and it reminded me of how when my sister was four her dream was to be a waitress or secretary and she truly lived for taking fake orders. What is it about us, or at least some of us, that makes us want to serve? Does it give us pleasure to make others happy, or is it like some kind of weird power dynamic we are inherently into? As a child I also really liked pretending I was a Victorian orphan or a depression-era kid down on their luck, despite the fact I have been so lucky as to never go hungry a day in my life (well I might answer differently after sitting on the train for 1.5 hours on my way home). Why is suffering so appealing to us, especially if we have suffered very little? Why is Morrissey still so sad and cranky when he’s so RICH?
What I’m trying to tell you is…vote socialist this election I guess.
Pigeon report
I didn’t have any great pigeon sightings this week, so I’ll just pull out a memory from a few weeks ago. Someone in my neighborhood keeps pigeons as pets, probably because their parents didn’t hug them as children. Anyways, they let the pigeons out on a beautiful, crisp fall Sunday afternoon when there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the pigeons soared together in beautiful curving swoops, like choreographed dancers. It genuinely made my heart… feel? I don’t know, maybe I just had had too much caffeine that day. Anyways, it’s nice to remember pigeons aren’t garbage 100% of the time.
Grade: A+ nature is cool.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I really can’t do full justice to how deeply Mariah this tweet from Mariah Carey is. The fact she may have dressed as Tina Turner for Halloween? There’s a “Santa” number in her phone? She has a Christmas pajama onesie? The perfectly pitched scream? All I do know is that she is living her best life, and “All I Want for Christmas” is a song that should be played every day of my life.
Answer: She’s having a great time, I’m having a great time.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I found this cryptic-ass message in the Missed Connections section, and let me tell you, if I was Maria, I’d be shakin’ in my boots. There’s a lot of info missing from this post if you ask me, but I’ll take a guess and assume the line Maria crossed is thinking it’s okay to wear JNCO jeans (you MUST click this link) again, which we can all agree, is crossing a line. For shame Maria. Unless you’re a full-blown juggalo in the year of our dark lord 2019, put them away for gosh sake. This is the only line crossed that would be worth such a post.
Photo (Craigslist screenshot)
Hints from Hellouise
Eat the weird vegetable. I don’t like cute or hip vegetables, or more accurately don’t make me eat a salad that sounds stupid (I’m looking at you kale Caesar), but there are some weird-ass veggies out there we all need to give a break. Think of all the various squash. Why not eat seasonally and consume food like a colonial farmer and just bite into the squash. Big squash is so desperate for popularity too. They name their varieties “spaghetti” or “butternut” like they’re not gonna taste like a damn squash. But they do, and that’s fine, because it’s pretty fine, and life is horrible so let’s be grateful for fine, okay?
Shit you really ought to read
The Weird World of ‘Haunted’ eBay: ‘Purchase With Caution’-Alicia Santis, The New York Times As someone who tried to sell a clearly haunted photo of children from the 1930’s on Craigslist (WITH NO LUCK I MIGHT ADD), I am very into haunted eBay.
What’s happening at Deadspin is a travesty-Jeremy Gordon, The Outline. Pour one out for Deadspin, which suffered a stupid, unnecessary death because all media is owned by insane millionaires with zero interest in journalism.
Susan Isaacs Wrote Books About Flawed Feminist Heroines Before It Was Cool. Now What?-Sara Weinman. I have never read any Isaacs but am adding it to the top of my to-reads after this profile.
Your weekly jam
Stiv Bators-Evil Boy
I heard this in a kinda overpriced consignment shop in Bushwick the other day and I was shocked because I hadn’t heard it years and forgot this whole album rules. It really improved my entire mood for three min. This is a perfect power pop song and maybe if punk music sounded more like this from 1999-2019 we wouldn’t have had an economic recession or Trump. And you can quote me on that.