I've already spent a fortune on holy water
Oh gyms have opened up again? Cool, guess I’ll need a new excuse to never ever go to one in my whole damn life. Some things should just STAY closed if you ask me!!!!! *Slams down gavel*
Theme music for this newsletter
This is the kind of cultural warfare I can fully get behind.
Pigeon Report
Person: “Do you like living in New York?”
Me:
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I have a very high tolerance for Mariah Carey’s eccentricities and demands, because they remind me of a kind of old school Norma Desmond style of celebrity. Mariah clearly does half the stuff she does because she like to be “difficult” but half because I genuinely thinks she wants and believes said things. It also helps that she’s a wildly talented singer. I guess I’m more tolerant of Mariah Carey of having a garishly large violin pool, because at least she’s an ARTIST, as opposed to Kim Kardashian owning a dozen ponies. Like, what did you do or give to the world to EARN a pony Kim? Mariah deserves this pool for Glitter alone.
This pool is truly the ugliest and most pointless thing I have seen in a house recently (and I watch Selling Sunset!!!!), but for Mariah, I’ll allow it. Let Mimi have what Mimi wants.
Answer: I mean, she better be fine with that big ass pool because I’m not moving it.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Look I know it seems a little extravagant that we installed a holy water dispenser in our house, but honey if you saw the rate at which we go through it, you’d do the same! It’s honestly saved us so much money.
Hints from Hellouise
I think I’ve mentioned that I’ve finally decided I like tomatoes, which is a fun and exciting time in my life, especially because I’m a farmer and have so many (read:4) growing on my porch garden right now. I’ve fully decided that I am going to attempt fried green tomatoes this week because I’m sick of these little idiots taking so long to ripen. According to this lady I can do it! I must be frank with you though and mention that something about the way she says “jelly” chills me to my very core, but I’ll ignore that.
Shit you really ought to read
This piece on bougie eco-slumlords in NYC is a doozy of a read. We’re living in a hellscape! I could spend forever reading about Josephine Baker’s exploits (and sexploits). True Crime has a “whiteness” problem.