I'm just a pigeon on a string
It’s not that I didn’t want to write Cracks this week, it’s more like I don’t know what kind of tone I’m supposed to take? Truthfully, I don’t feel sober right now (not not-sober like The Queen’s Gambit, but sober like The Queen, if putting this in Netflix terms helps) to write something thoughtful. I don’t know how helpful I can actually be right now. We’re all anxious as hell as we wait to find out if we’re going to be run by a cut-price 1970’s style authoritarian leader for four more years (with worse fashion), and I’m sorry but you should be voting. I do understand some folks who might not want to vote for living in a country that has legally and systematically done everything it can to hurt you, but for everyone else (aka me, aka whites) needs to get their shit together and you have no excuses. Pull up your woolen knickers and do what you gotta do.
Theme music for this newsletter
Look, I know we’re all suffering, but are you suffering like I’m suffering right now as I listen to David Duchovny’s dumb anti-Trump anthem? As far as celebrity vanity projects go it’s not as bad as Scott Baio, or Bruce Willis singing “Under the Boardwalk,” but he’s no PATTY DUKE.
Pigeon Report
You’ll be shocked to know that pigeons are so stupid they’re always getting stuck in wigs and shoelaces and dental floss. But luckily for pigeons, and unluckily for me, there’s a bunch of people who get way way WAY too excited about “de-stringing” pigeons.
This excerpt tells you everything you need to know about these pigeon-freaks:
“Even the WBF’s experienced bird volunteers and experts are devoted to the cause. ‘People who tend the birds do get kind of excited about working on a stringer,’ says Rita McMahon.”
Grade: C+, I mean, I feel a LITTLE bit bad for the pigeons, but also…damn, just like, stay away from wigs in the street.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I can’t believe this is the first appearance Connie Chung has made in Cracks, because I freaking love Connie Chung!!! Beyond being a pioneering woman of color in broadcast journalism, she’s also hilarious and married to Maury Povich, who was essentially my babysitter on days when I had to stay home sick and watch day-time TV. They are truly a dream couple.
I have no idea why but in the last two weeks I’ve seen multiple stories about Connie Chung’s wedding anniversary, and honey, I am not complaining! I am glad to know Connie loves to keep a grudge (girl, same), is really weird in a way I find extremely relatable, and that she trash-talks Trump with abandon. We must celebrate you Connie, now and forever.
Answer: She couldn’t be more perfect to me!!!
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I am genuinely curious if someone will pay $650 for this dirty European Cabbage Patch Kid.
Hints from Hellouise
I spent most of today doing laundry and here’s my actual helpful hint for you—DO MORE HANDWASHING. I promise your clothes will last longer. Laundromat machine are too powerful for us all, like a veritable electric wizard.
Shit you really ought to read
Mariah is our only hope. Social media is destroying your great-aunt’s ability to reason. FINALLY, some drama I can enjoy without there being consequences.