If you can't handle me at my worst...no worries if not

Just a heads up I’m just going to be irrationally angry every day for the foreseeable future, xoxo

Thing 1: Pigeon Report

When I first read this headline from AP about a crime wave and pigeons in Belgium, naturally, I assumed the pigeons were perpetrators of said crime. And yet, to my surprise, it turns out Belgian pigeons are the VICTIM of crimes.

Not only that, but in Belgium (which a human rights lawyer once described to me as “basically a failed state”) pigeons are worth more than money. To the extent that maybe the government should consider using pigeons as currency over the Euro. Belgian pigeons are worth anywhere from $1,000-$1,000,000. That’s crazy, because to my mind every pigeon is worth -$5000 quadrillion so the math is really boggling my mind. Now that I think about it, I should literally just grab a bag of pigeons, catch a quick flight to Brussels and make my fortune. Can you imagine me? I’m at the club, we’re getting bottle service (with a side of beignets) and I’m tipping the waitress in seven dirty pigeons. She cries, she’s so happy, she can quit her job with this fortune. Mon Dieu!!!

I’m not one to take pride in anywhere I live, but I must admit I can’t imagine NYC pigeons getting stolen. They’d lash out so fast at the criminal your head would spin before you could say “Hi, doctor, my eyes were pecked out by pigeons.” I wouldn’t mess with them.

Anyways, these Flemish/Belgian pigeon-handlers are quite emotionally bereft to lose their pigeons. I can sort of relate, because I am still mad about a doll I lost in preschool at the age of four, so I GET IT. Believe me. Also, if anyone has info on the whereabouts of a Pebbles doll lost circa 1994, I am offering a cash reward (it’s pigeon cash though, just a heads up.)

So now, the pigeon-racing federation is warning its members to be extra careful — to the point of not talking to strangers about their hobby.

Buddy, you shouldn’t have been talking about this to anyone to begin with—it’s embarrassing.

Grade: Geee, ever wonder if maybe the pigeons are staging their kidnappings? Might have to give them a C+ for that.

Thing 2: The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

What was the context of these masks on ABC7? Was it during the nightly news while showing details of the house of a FUCKING SERIAL KILLER??????

Thing 3: Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

For any Cracks readers in LA, just want to say firstly that I genuinely am thinkin’ of y’all. Seeing and experiencing that kind of widespread destruction completely out of your control has to be really scary. On top of it, the needless loss of life as a result of climate change and lack of proper infrastructure gets my blood boiling. So I want to make it clear I am not making light of the fires. HOWEVER…I am DEEPLY concerned that those in charge have allowed Tom Sandoval to foster a puppy in need of a home due to the fires.

If you don’t know who Tom Sandoval is a)if you read Cracks, I can’t believe you aren’t also a long-time devotee of “Vanderpump Rules” and b) honestly, I’m happy for your blissful Sandoval-free life. Those of us who know Tom Sandoval, know him as a long-time cast member of the recently canceled “Vanderpump Rules”, co-owner of the recently shuttered bar “Tom & Sandy’s.” Most famously he is known for “Scandoval” which was when he cheated on his girlfriend of ten-plus years with another VPR castmate. It’s a whole thing, go google it if you’re not familiar because I don’t have 67 years available to explain it to you.

Cut to, current times, where Tom Sandoval and his erstwhile girlfriend were allowed to foster a rescue pup who lost their home in the fire. Hasn’t this dog been through ENOUGH??? The chances of this dog being forgotten or ignored by Tom Sandoval after a week are extremely high. I do not think this sweaty coke-addled reality has passed the necessary requirements to help support life. Somebody, please help this poor baby puppy!!!! It’s clearly just an excuse for him to clean up his image and it’s so gross.

Answer: Tom is okay but I am worried about that puppy!!!!

Extra Credit:

If you have any information about the whereabouts of my Pebbles Flinstone doll, last seen in 1994 in the playground of my daycare in Colorado Springs, please call 911 or email bebeslostdoll@gmail.com