I tried to give you my linden wood
They have developed the science to send a man to the moon, but here’s a non-exhaustive list of things “they” seem to have forgotten, don’t care about, or are harder than getting a man on the moon:
There still isn’t an explanation for why there were two CGI movies about bugs the same year in the early aughts and 56 movies about goblins in the 80’s
There still isn’t a reliable way to treat persistent UTIs (ladies at the urgent care, can I get an “ugggggh”?)
Nobody knows why cats in bowties look so hilarious
Where are the crabs who ate Amelia Earhart? Why couldn’t we send the same crabs to kill Charles Lindbergh?
Rich people still don’t know we all have access to Grey Poupon Mustard
Proper public transit in the USA (actually just proper infrastructure, period.)
You couldn’t have just found 5 Harry Styles for 1D? Why not just have a boy band of Harry Styleses? Why was Liam there?????
Why do I genuinely like the Kenny Loggins song, “It’s Not What You’re Looking For”?
Stand-alone moustaches only look good on men born between 1800-1900
Chub rub, how do we solve that problem?
Theme music for this newsletter
I’ve been listening to the new Megan Thee Stallion album, “Traumazine” all this week, because on first listen, I really dug it, and I wanted to make sure I stood by that take. So far, it still rules, lots of ripping, furiously intense bangers, it’s great. So far, my favorite track is “Her” and now whenever I’m asked, “Have any updates Bebe?” during a Zoom meeting, I have to stop myself from immediately quipping back, “Actually, what could a ho say?”
Pigeon Report
Readers, pigeons are no longer my enemy. This summer I have been fighting for my god-damn life against a different city creature, and it’s not even the same species. It is in fact, squirrels. Specifically the family of squirrels living in the fig tree next to my deck.
At first, I thought they were cute…aww, look at them sunning themselves out there by my potted plants (tomatoes, mini hot bell peppers, cilantro, basil, rosemary, and chives.) The young ones were so little and precious looking. I even told my cat, Kitty, to leave them alone. For once though, Kitty was right. And I will never ignore her advice again
All the squirrels’ behavior was a ruse to get into my good graces. I started to notice weird holes in the dirt by my cilantro…but thought it must be the wind? And then I saw them jumping off my pepper plant. SINCE WHEN DO SQUIRRELS LIKE PEPPERS!!!? To add insult to injury, I found a pepper on the ground with ONE bite in it. They couldn’t even finish it!!! So, they went full Apocalypse Now and just went apeshit on my garden, even eating the first of my beautiful heirloom tomatoes.
You little demons! I put $60 of supplies and MONTHS of my life into that tomato. Now they just throw their trash on my deck, knowing there will be zero consequences.
“Oh thanks, a half-eaten peanut shell? Just what I WANTED.”
Worst of all, Kitty has gotten used to the stupid afreets and I have to give her pep talks just to keep her vigilant. The only thing standing between us (read: me) and the utter pillaging of my remaining plants is this genius:
Pray for me.
Grade: A++++, because not a single pigeon has so much as LICKED any of my plants. And before you say, “they don’t even have tongues.” I am going to stop you RIGHT there, because internet says yes it do
:
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
If Reba doesn’t win an Oscar for this one, I will be committing some light terrorism on y’all. For those of you not as familiar with the personal life and career of Reba (we call ourselves BeREBArs) her unattractive boyfriend is in this, as well as a co-star from her hit sitcom, Reba, Melissa Peterman!
Answer: I will watch this as soon as it is available, and I am legitimately excited.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Boy, do I bet we all feel real stupid for not grabbing that linden wood when we had a chance. Now we all look like big dumb baby idiots.
THE ENDORSEMENT
Reading Lenny Bruce’s autobiography, “How to talk dirty and influence people” right now and it is…some of the funniest shit I have ever read? Also, I am now obsessed with his super cool ex-wife, Honey Harlow (her Wikipedia page alone is…insane.)