I found you potato

Yesterday I was walking down the street and passed two crusty old guys and one told the other, “That’s the thing about the vaccines, they can go true yer brains!!”

True dat.  

Theme music for this newsletter      

Ummm yeah, that’s what happened in 2001. We all started graduating high school when we were seven Then we…socked it to the world*.  

*Starting forever wars in countries that pose no threat to the world’s most powerful industrialized country.

Pigeon Report         

As Cracks readers learned a few weeks ago, a butt-ton of homing pigeons disappeared a few weeks ago. For some reason, people still care where they went (and I am SO sick of police repeatedly coming to my door because I “have threatened pigeons repeatedly over the years,” and “am the number one suspect in this grievous crime.”)  

Anyone ever wonder if maybe they just WANTED to disappear? MAYBE they wanted to go where they were always meant to be, which is being trash-birds with street pigeons.

Grade: C, leave em be!!!

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers       

 When I read this story, I knew IMMEDIATELY this was a story that had everything I crave for in celebrity gossip. Namely a) low stakes drama; and b) parasitic worms. Lisa Vanderpump, former Real Housewives star, and the fairy godmother of its cursed spinoff, Vanderpump Rules. For those not in the know, Vanderpump Rules follows a bunch of coke-bloated failed-actors working at Lisa’s multiple restaurants. It is…a perfect show.

Anyways, besides her multiple successful “restaurants” (I’m sorry but any place that serves a “Pumptini” cannot legally be considered a restaurant according to the FDA) she also has a dog store/dog rescue because she loves dogs. Which makes a lot of sense when you consider she hired this guy as a bartender on Vanderpump for many years:

Anyways, some person claims they adopted a dog from Lisa Vanderpump’s rescue and then the dog gave them worms. Which…it takes a lot to be willing to admit YOU got worms from YOUR dog. Based on the most basic of google searches, she would have had to consume some of the dog’s poop, so…not a great place to be!  

She’s suing Lisa Vanderpump for the trauma and nightmares caused by the dog worms. But lady, let’s be real, we all have nightmares from Vanderpump and at least these you had weren’t tied to “DJ” James Kennedy.

Answer: No, we are filled with worms!!!

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently    

Never have I more desperately wished I was the described in this missed connection post. I want to be potato.

Shit you really ought to read         

A reading guide for Babysitter’s Club fans. Hard to tell if anything is cool anymore. I love this mean chihuahua!!!!!