Gypsy Rose is thirty, flirty, and thriving
I work at a health care organization, and while none of us want to worry too much about the where/when/why of we’re going to die I think about it constantly, for pay! And don’t I just love it!
Statistically, we’re all increasingly in a bad situation over time as Republicans (and some Democrats =)) cut Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and legally eliminate the right to live without wanting to blow your brains out.
But there’s a way to live a totally full life no matter how much you make, and I learned it all from the 1971 film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” All you need to do is join a “fourple” and live in a rickety bed while your overworked daughter feeds you soup. If that sounds grim, do not worry, as eventually you may have an opportunity to accompany your grandchild in a capitalist competition to run a global company.
It is FINE. It is fine and it is also warm. Me all cuddled up with three other people my own age in 2085 who can commiserate over the death of Princess Diana and the popularity of Nelly? Heaven. This fourple are fed cabbage soup all day…babes, what did I just eat for dinner? Cabbage, and it was OKAY (note: for context I made a sort of cabbage-cilantro-chipotle-carrot slaw to put on my shrimp tacos.) Cabbage is underrated, just ask any Eastern European.
The lack of personal space might be jarring at first but also, what do you have to hide when you are 95? I would probably be fine doing ANYTHING in front of people. Let’s share bedpans, I don’t care! Let’s share Oxy and Lipitor, I LOVE it. I could be happy doing that now and I am not even old enough for a discount Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity™ breakfast combo at IHop.
Thing 1: Pigeon Report
Welp folks, you heard it from the paper of record so it must be true—it’s time to stop playing tonsil hockey with birds. Even the really sexy ones, and especially NOT with pigeons.
Grade: Are you kidding me?? You’re making out with a pigeon? Not only an F, but also the electric chair for you, IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
Thing 2: This guy sure hates puppets, eh?
My Boyfriend™ and I were talking about the 1980’s sitcom Alf the other day, like we do most mornings, noons, and nights. For those not familiar (I think the average age of a Cracks reader is either 95 or four, so I don’t know why I’m explaining when you’re four and can’t read) Alf was a TV show about an alien named Alf living with a suburban family and he played rock and roll and wanted to eat cats.
I don’t know man…I think cocaine was offered in a bowl like complimentary mints in writer’s rooms back then. Alf is portrayed in the show by a puppet, but all the other actors were, to my knowledge, meat-puppets and not puppet-puppets.
Anyways, My Boyfriend™ alerted me to the fun fact that the “Dad” of the family, played by Max Wright, had a deep hatred of acting with the Alf puppet and felt a sense of jealousy that people preferred a puppet to him.
Via Wikipedia: "It was hard work and very grim", he stated in a 2000 interview to People. He was also, reportedly, very happy when the show was canceled in 1990. "I was hugely eager to have it over with", he said in the same interview. According to his co-star in the show, Anne Schedeen, "there was one take, and Max walked off the set, went to his dressing room, got his bags, went to his car, and disappeared. Nobody had to say, 'Wrap,' and there were no goodbyes".
Is there anything that exemplifies male fragility more than being upset that a puppet is more popular than you??? Buddy, no one put a gun to your head and forced you to work on the sitcom Alf. And if they did, you really should have called the police.
I am just cackling imaging this middle-aged man angrily swearing at a puppet under his breath in between takes. Gotta love men. Or not.
Thing 3: Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Gypsy Rose Blanchard, victim of Munchausen by Proxy and child abuse, and occasional accomplice to murder, is truly living her best life post-prison. And you know what, I love that for her! She served her time, she’s remorseful, why CAN’T she get out of prison, promptly dump her fiancé within months, immediately go to New Orleans and get matching tattoos with her ex-fiancé (they were romantic pen-pals while she was incarcerated) while chain-smoking ciggies? Followed by a hasty nose-job?? We love to see a girly thrive. I mean, the tattoos of huskies they got are lame, but she doesn’t know better, she has been out of the pop-culture loop for a minute, okay!!
Answer: She is doing great, and I would love to knock back well-whisky shots with her at an Applebee’s.