Got spaghetti in my bag...sad

Crack

Cracks will be short this week because my job is currently a hellscape and I don’t have time to entertain the masses. Please accept my insincere apologies

It’s funny how we put value on things simply because they seem fancy. Does a metal water bottle actually work better than me holding my hands under a random window A/C unit gathering moisture and then walking real slow so it doesn’t disappear from my hand? Hard to say, hard to say, but the metal water bottle LOOKS fancy so it must BE.

Everyday as I ride the L to work I eagerly await the crowd coming on at Beford because you know there’s going to be some dumb fancy-people shenanigans with that crew. I realized looking at all the people standing around me (I was sitting because I got on 7 stops earlier, so who’s the sucker NOW Madison?) that even their tote bags are fancy. What makes these bags different is they’re made of fancy linen, or with a cool brand name on it, so we know they’re a cut above. But what does a fancier tote bag really offer? All those Open Ceremony tote bags cost $36, and full disclosure, I have nothing against Opening Ceremony whatsoever, but like, what do their tote bags have that poor-people tote bags don’t? Your Tupperware spaghetti still gonna stain that bad boy same as me that time it busted open in my bag and I was on the train just straight up pulling spaghetti with my bare hands in front of a packed car. And then you have hands full of spaghetti and how’s your expensive tote bag gonna save you then? As a wise sage once said, money can’t buy you class.

Similarly when I started grad school at an Ivy League (believe me, you can’t possibly hate me as much as I hate myself writing that), I started getting inundated with Facebook ads from fertility clinics offering 20k for Ivy League eggs. I hadn’t even started classes! So those eggs had hardly had a chance to start digging into the syllabus. I would have felt so bad if I HAD sold my eggs then. Not because I was losing eggs (who cares, TAKE ‘EM, my family has a history of mental illness so joke is on YOU if you want me to have children), but because it just seemed like I’d be cheating a prospective family. They weren’t getting Ivy League eggs. Instead they’d be getting eggs that have encyclopedic knowledge of cut-price ye-ye 1960’s pop star Claudine Longet and a predetermination for eating all the flesh off a chicken bone. I would have been sued as soon as that baby came out.

Pigeon report
God do you know how utterly exhausting it is being New York City’s #1 pigeon reporter? The level of burn-out on this beat is unbelievable. The last guy on this job lasted, count it, ONE DAY.
So what are these air demons up to this week? Well, I saw one eating what seemed to be bacon or part of a tomato. Neither makes sense but bacon is especially disturbing. At no point in the history of earth did these birds hunt pigs. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong here.

Photo: Me/CircaSassy


Your weekly jam
Been listening to the best Monkees album this week, which we can all agree is Headquarters. Zilch is BEGGING for someone to cover it and alienate all the people in their audience. Please get on this immediately.