Fell in love at the grocery store again
There’s only one sheriff in this town:
Theme music for this newsletter
*Chews bubblegum loudly*
Pigeon Report
I thought I saw a dead pigeon on the ground, but it turned out to be a plastic bag floating in the cold November wind. This happens to me at least a couple of times a month so just TRY to tell me pigeons aren’t literal trash. As Katy Perry once famously said, “do you ever feel like a plastic bag?” To which a pigeon would say, “Yes.”
Grade: A, because it wasn’t a pigeon.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I never think of myself as being masochistic, but then why am I watching season 4 of Selling Sunset? I’ve written about this show before, but this season really has me feeling like I swallowed a bunch of cough syrup and made-up half of the plot. To summarize, it’s tall women in stiletto heels selling houses with four times as many bathrooms as bedrooms in LA to pistachio farmers.
This season they’ve added a “spicy” new character to the mix. Yes, you guessed it, an empanada entrepreneur and part time realtor. Emma, who I should note, is white AF, spends no less than ¼ of her air time talking about her line of frozen vegetarian empanadas, in such appealing flavors as “birthday cake” and “Oreo”
Beyond how infuriating it is that this white lady is making money from a dish she literally had never eaten before a recent trip to Puerto Rico, it also illustrates the hot-person-accomplishment complex. Anytime someone hot finds they can “do” anything, they get so many accolades because we as a culture, are not used to hot people being able to do anything besides be hot, and so the hot person assumes they must be good at it. This is all to explain to you why so many hotties have food empires: Sandra Lee, Betty Crocker, Paul Newman, Orville Redenbacher.
Answer: Ugh, I’m not okay, so does that count?
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Look this ain’t my first time at the Craigslist rodeo. I’ve seen some crazy stuff. People seeking to start bands that can only play in state parks. Crab traps and antique glasses traded for records. Many many missed connections in grocery stores (notorious place for romance.) More lost parrots than you could stick in two tote bags.
But this is my favorite find in months, if not years. Who has $900 and wants to buy the world’s creepiest doll designed to look like a sickly preemie baby? It is not I, but if it’s you, boy do I have a deal for you.
I’m sure I’ve talked about my obsession not with “Reborns,” which are baby dolls made to look as lifelike as possible, but rather I am obsessed with the people who COLLECT them. For example this lady on Tik Tok, who seems shocked that anyone might be taken aback to find the child she is carrying around the grocery store (again, a notorious place for romance,) is in fact a doll. This carefree dance of her and one of her dolls is basically me, every time someone points out a typo to me in Cracks.
Reborn TikTok makes me want to call child services on some of these people, even if the babies aren’t real. But in general, who am I to judge? Like sure, play with dolls, just don’t expect me to let you sit down on a train seat just because you’re carrying one, okay?
Now that I think of it, this is an excellent idea, anyone have $900?
Shit you really ought to read
Food is sinister in Succession. Britney’s boyfriend is a mystery. Charcuterie houses.