DON”T TELL ME HOW TO THINK ABOUT SHRIMP
People who don’t like cooking make me inexorably sad. Like, your life must just be hell, right? You wake up, awash in dread and a cold sweat knowing that yet again...you must procure and make your own food. It sounds awful, how do y’all do it?
Not to say I don’t get tired of having to make choices. The 21st century is rife with choices and it turns out it kind of sucks. When it comes to life choices, I would consider myself anti-choice, pro-life you might say, in that I am pro just quietly living under my New Kids on the Block sleeping bag, not making a choice because it’s too damn stressful.
Which is why companies like to stress how EASY their products are. Trader Joe’s being the ultimate example. First off, let me say that I have nothing against TJ’s. Their wine is deeply cheap, as are their cheeses and that is literally all I require out of life. But it’s kind of hilarious to see all these people essentially buying a really nicely packaged TV dinner and feeling cool about it. Meanwhile, they wouldn’t be caught DEAD in the aisle of the Associated buying a fried chicken family dinner. Well I got news for you. Microwave food is all salty delicious garbage and your microwave Saag Paneer is one vegetable away from Kids Cuisine. Real talk, I would GO TO TOWN on a Kids Cuisine fried chicken and dried out brownie right now.
Pigeon report
Source: Me
I had the distinct pleasure of going to Port Authority last weekend, and amongst the smells, sounds, and screams I saw a pigeon walking around with a LOT of hair around his leg. It kind of seemed like he was purposely collecting it, for a nest you might say? Wrong. NYC pigeons don’t nest they live in gutters, old leather shoes, or greasy pizza boxes. What he was really collecting it for was a wig, and I respect his commitment to style.
Grade: B+ for thriftiness and fashion
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Photo (Craigslist screenshot)
Wow, lucky us, this guy is willing to join us as we just drive around NYC in circles, with him in the back Mrs. Daisy style, and in turn he can have a refreshing experience. I bet it’ll be real refreshing when he cuts me up into 9000 pieces and throws me in the trunk of my car. I would write about my questions to him but truthfully, there are too many.
Are you okay? Each week, I highlight celebrities I am concerned with
Source (Getty)
It is the year of our lord 2019 and here I am talking about Tan Mom, at this point riding high on her 16th minute of fame. For those who are lucky and don’t know-Tan Mom is, nee Patricia Krenkil, became famous for getting arrested in 2012 for taking her 6-year old daughter into a tanning bed. She became a meme of sorts andshe is an unhinged fever dream of John Waters and she was living for the fame. Nothing makes me prouder to be an American.
Anyways here we are seven years later, where reality is its own fever-dream, we have a Tan Mom president, and Tan Mom just woke up from a coma and will be “singing” at a “celebrity-boxing-event” in Florida. Every part of that sentence is so fucking grim I can’t be bothered to make a joke of it. At least she’s moved from New Jersey to Florida where she will be loved and treasured.
Answer: No, not well, please someone save this woman.
Hints from Hellouise
If you are coming down with a cold, turns out just eating a lot of candy at work does little to keep it at bay. The more you know.
Shit you really ought to read
Bresha Meadows Thought You’d Understand-Melissa Jesten, HuffPost. Jesus everything in this piece about a teenage girl who shot her father after years of abuse is so bleak, and the lack of empathy this world has for young girls is depressing.
One Night at Mount Sinai-Lisa Miller, The Cut. Sorry for a two for one bummer fest, but this is an excellent reported piece on doctors who mistreated patients for years, and the fight for average women to have their voices heard.
Ali Wong’s ‘Dear Girls’: motherly advice from raunchy comedian-R.O. Kwan, The San Francisco Chronicle. Am I too old to say we stan a queen?????
I just finished reading Alias Grace , the first Margaret Atwood I’ve read, and I know I’m stoopy for not reading her sooner, but omg y’all this novel is CRAZY and improved my commute x1000 to the point I wanted the L train to get stopped more often.
Your weekly jam
Pizzicato 5-Twiggy Twiggy. I forgot about this song!! But I should never have done that, because now I can walk the streets of Ridgewood with a spring in my step and pretending I’m a side character in a sitcom while listening to this. Reminds me that I need to get back to go-go dancing on top of boxes at parties.