Do any of you know basic first aid?

Sometimes you’re just innocently searching for mid-century salt and pepper shakers and then next thing you know you’re wondering why Etsy doesn’t have a NSFW filter for dinner accoutrements. Someone out there is wishing they had a pair of dummy thicc S&P shakers and have no idea these lads are just out there waiting for them.

Thing 1: It goes without saying.

Thing 2: The Weirdest Shit I Saw on Craigslist

Hey, do you have an in-depth knowledge of the history of Israel and Palestine but also don’t have an opinion about one of the world’s most devastating conflicts/genocide currently underway?

If so, would you like to make a joke about it?

Thing 3: Pigeon Report

Editor’s Note: I was pitched this Q&A by a disreputable publication, and while I love to get paid, I simply didn’t have it in me to stomach an interview about pigeons, so I sent one of my interns, Kyle. He’s great. I am not paying him, but I do buy him cans of Mike’s Harder Lemonade™ and I promised Kyle I’ll write him a great recommendation letter at the end of the summer (I won’t.) And I hate to say, you get what you pay for, because he never sent me back a finished transcript, he just sent the below recording with zero context. Sorry Kyle, but we will need to meet to talk about your future as a Cracks intern on Monday.

Kyle: So, let’s start off with the big question-do pigeons make good pets?

President of the Pigeon Association: Well, I can say, as someone who is a human, and definitely not 12 pigeons standing on top of each other with a papal robe on (trench coat would be too obvious) the answer is definitively…YES!!

Kyle: Gee, that’s not the answer I expected? What makes pigeons such great pets?

PoPA: Well, we, I mean, PIGEONS, not we. We are definitely a man in papal robe. Why would 12 pigeons wear a papal robe and trick a journalist into an interview by sending an email with the subject line “Exclusive interview, promise it not pigeon this time?”

Kyle: Sorry, what?

PoPA: Yes, pigeons make amazing pets!!! And you should feed them as a special reward for how good they are at being pets, pets who live in the garbage.

Kyle: So why should someone consider a pigeon over a traditional pet, like a cat, or even a more common bird like a parakeet?

PoPA: It’s a well-known fact in the bird community that parakeets are the little spoiled bitches of the sky. That’s an actual scientific fact. They think they’re so special because they don’t eat trash, but lemme ask you this—have you ever seen a parakeet fight someone?

Kyle: Ummm, no?

PoPA: Exactly, they’re all chirp and no tweet. Now a pigeon, a pigeon could beat your ass any day, any place.

Kyle: But doesn’t that make them a bad pet?

PoPA: A pigeon would come right up to your face, peck your eyes out, eat your fried chicken and steal your wife, while a parakeet sits there like an idiot WAITING to be fed by someone.

Kyle: Sorry, again, why would that make a pigeon a good pet?

PoPA: And one more thing about parakeets…they were on the wrong side of World War One AND Two. Look it up, it’s facts.

Kyle: I’ll take your word for it. What words would you use to describe a pigeon to someone who’s never met one?

PoPA: Courageous, resilient, hungry, so hungry, Jesus Christ, don’t you have some bread or anything to eat, starving, famished, maybe you have crumbs in your pocket? Can I check your pocket, heroic, esurient, famished…

Kyle: Half those words mean the same thing? And no, I don’t have any food on me at the moment…I’m sorry what are you doing?

*At this point the recording just becomes the liquid sound of blood spurting, bones crunching, and high-pitched guttural screams interspersed with evil cooing.

Grade: Well, I can tell you this is an F for Kyle!!!! I had to transcribe this my damn self!!!