Depression recipes
As you can see Baby’s all grown up, moving to different email marketing platforms, etc. I feel like I’ve hit puberty all over again except this time I really don’t mind eating lunch alone in a bathroom.
Speaking of puberty, I have recently delved into some fascinating research on what makes middle-aged men emotional. As I have long surmised, the answer was always in the YouTube comments of Bruce Springsteen songs. The other day I asked my boyfriend what he thought the saddest song was in the world, and he suggested Bruce Springsteen’s “Racing in the Street.” Personally, I did not find it that sad, but boy oh boy did some dads in the comments find it sad!!! Reading these is some kind of dark poetry I was not prepared for. Honestly, I feel like we’d solve the whole masculinity crisis if we just encouraged more people to do some light therapy in YouTube comment sections.
Theme music for this newsletter
I mean, duh, it has to be “Racing in the Street”
Pigeon report
As you know, I give pigeons a pretty hard time, but in a way, perhaps I am the one to blame. Maybe my low expectations have set them up for a life of petty crime and evil. Now, without people (read: me) around, pigeons can be their best selves. Why just the other day I saw a pigeon eating a carrot! Not a piece of fried chicken, or another dead bird, but a VEGETABLE. Is that what it should be eating? No, not really, but at least it was trying. Who knows, maybe the pigeon will enroll in a part-time degree program, get off the streets, and really get its life together.
Grade: B, sure, they’re trying.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I’m pretty sure the only celebrity who’s truly thriving during the pandemic is Martha Stewart. Maybe it’s because she’s spent time behind bars, or maybe it’s because she lives on a bougie farm where she appears to have trapped several of her servants/farmhands and forced them to play cards with her and entertain her dogs. I can’t even tell if it’s a joke when she calls them “her detainees.” I don’t envy them, but at least they’re all enjoying some tasty meals together and accidentally drinking $400 bottles of wine.
Answer: Oh sure, she’s doing better than most of us.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Some of you may remember a fellow on Craigslist I shared who was trying to sell antique eyeglasses for classic rock albums. Well guess what, he’s baaaaack, better than ever, and now he’s got a CRAB TRAP.
I’m calling it now, “Crab Trap, never used,” is the new “For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
Hints from Hellouise
I love this Grandma and her weird depression recipes. Do I want to eat them? Not really, but she does make a pile of weeds with lemon juice seem oddly appealing
Shit you really ought to read
Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. This piece about closing a restaurant is so achingly good. Old, but good, interview with Carolee Schneemann. Let’s all watch 1918 pandemic blockbusters.