Cracks, now with extra masc energy!

Editor’s Note (lol like I edit this thing ever before sending): I have been busy as hell on that capitalist hamster wheel, which coincidentally isn’t as cute as a real hamster in a hamster wheel, so I have OUTSOURCED some sections of Cracks this week to my Boyfriend™. I hope you enjoy his male perspective; I’ve heard some people are really into that.

Someone dumped a bunch of eels in the water at Prospect Park and I swear to god it wasn’t me. Who’s this guy with 100 eels, who’s calling the cops on the eel guy, why wasn’t I here? So many questions, so few answers.

Theme music for this newsletter          

I woke up the other morning with Deee-lite’s “Runaway” stuck in my head and it is truly the most dEEElightful way to start the day.

Pigeon Report    

By guest writer, Brian LaRue

The sun is going down earlier these days, a seasonal change that happens so rapidly that I think it kinda confuses some of the wild animals. Case in point: the pigeon I saw perched atop the roof rack of a whole-ass Hummer at 8pm in the dark. This pigeon was obviously confused because it seemed to believe it was in an authoritative position, that it had something meaningful to share. I have been to dozens and dozens of tech conferences in my life, and this pigeon strutted atop this Hummer with the quasi-magisterial yet doofy bearing of a Head of Sales who gets to take the dais for a 10-minute sponsored slot and acts as though they’re keynoting. Now, if you’re wondering why any human or pigeon would willingly put on such a transparent show: Because it sometimes works. Two young hipster-looking dudes were walking behind me and stopped to gaze upon this pigeon anointing this Hummer, and I heard one of them say, “Yooooo, I don’t know what this means, but it means something.”

Grade:  B+ (because fuck a Hummer; good power move, pidge) 

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers        

So I learned something this week that has changed my life irrevocably…namely that Michael Imperioli, better known to me as Christopher from the Sopranos is a) really into guided mediation; b) extremely hot as he ages; and c)a die-hard shoegaze fan. This is terrible news for my Boyfriend™ to receive via Substack, but I WILL be leaving you for Michael Imperioli, and be doing so as soon as I physically can.

Answer: Michael and I are doing great, thanks for asking.

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently  

You’re telling me I can have these for FREE?       

Hints from Hellouise            

By guest writer, Brian LaRue (I can personally vouch that this dal SLAPS.)

Ease into the brokest, saddest winter in a decade with this warming, super-cheap lentil curry! You’ll probably need to hit up an Indian/Pakistani market for some of the spices, but that’s a worthwhile investment upfront. I hope having those spices around will be an incentive to keep trying this curry (or another over) and over, optimizing it to your specific liking. All measurements here are just suggestions. Personally, I overdo it on all the spices (heaping “teaspoons” of everything) and the lentils, and skimp on the water. But do whatever you want. Also, I ALWAYS double the recipe in order to have leftovers and get the most value out of the (p. brief) time involved to cook it. Consider this a rough guide:

In a saucepan, add 1 tsp turmeric powder and 1 tsp salt to 2 c water. Use more water if you want it to be more like a stew, less if you like it especially thick. Boil, then add 1 c red lentils and reduce heat to a simmer. You’ll be preparing the tomatoes (etc) simultaneously, but when the water is absorbed about 50%, you can add another ingredient to the lentils if you want: cauliflower florets, chopped zucchini, chopped carrot, whatever feels right. Keep in mind that red lentils cook fast and will be fully cooked in about 15-20 mins after they go into the water.

Chop up one large tomato or a couple smaller tomatoes, and a green chile. Measure out 1 tsp each of cumin seed, mustard seed, asafoetida powder (sometimes labeled as hing), and ginger powder, plus a dash of coriander powder. Put all those spices together in a little bowl and set aside.

Put some oil or ghee in a large pan and heat it at medium-high-ish. Sprinkle some water on to gauge how hot it is. If the water sizzles, it’s time to add the contents of that little bowl of spices. Stir briskly for a few seconds and allow the spices to sizzle. This is a delicate step. It’ll start to smell amazing, but if you wait too long, it’ll start to smell like it’s burning, and that’s bad. Once it starts to smell amazing, give it a five-count before you…

Add the chopped tomato and chile. Raise heat to “pretty high” and keep stirring briskly. Let some of the tomato juice evaporate. When it does, I like to add a couple tablespoons of canned crushed tomato and let all of that simmer for a few minutes.

Combine lentils/vegetables and tomatoes/etc into the same pot and simmer for about 10 mins. Add cayenne pepper or more salt if you want either/both. Serve over rice or any grain you like.

Shit you really ought to read             

What if Jeff Toobin WASN’T a privileged dummy, would we be so indulgent of misbehavior? A climate scientist on forest fires. Survival in the Artic.