Cracks, now brought to you by Applebee's

Cracks

We live in a time where everything we do, even as a hobby, should make money. Good at cooking? Start a side-catering business! Enjoy playing music? Charge for lessons! You like to draw? Why aren’t you on Patreon??????

I hate the idea of making money from an activity just because I feel obligated to do so, even when it no longer brings me joy. I love this old Man Repeller piece specifically about this dilemma. I should note, there is nothing wrong with finding creative ways to make money, or finding ways to make art profitable during a time when artists are rarely compensated for their work.

What I am trying to say is that Applebee’s has sponsored this edition of Cracks. I assure you it will not have any editorial impact, and it’s just same old me, railing against the world while I eat good in the neighborhood.

Theme music for this newsletter
Might I suggest this random playlist on Spotify I found called “APPLEBEE’S GO HARD”? It’s filled with very good hits, including “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit. I might have to “break stuff” if my Applebee’s order doesn’t get here soon!!!!

Pigeon report
When I searched online about pigeon diets it turns out pigeons only eat…seeds?

I call bullshit, as anyone who follows this report knows, there is NOTHING a pigeon WON’T eat. In my experience, pigeons like a diverse diet rich in local flora and fauna. Which is why the Applebee’s menu is perfect for feeding birds. I can see them ordering wings (bone-in please!)

Grade: A+ yum
Photo: (Google screenshot/Me)

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers

Apparently Taylor Swift tried to kick Justin Bieber out of a gym and he wouldn’t leave and this is news. Have you ever felt more conflicted on who you hated more in a conflict? It’s like the Nazis are playing a game of pickup football with the Khmer Rouge and I gotta pick a team shirt to wear. Nobody wins in this game.

The best part of this deeply stupid story is this line, “We're told Justin, who did not have an appointment, finished -- although he was mostly goofing around and dancing.” Like, what? Just tap-dancing in the lobby? Literally all I can imagine is Justin Bieber in his weird diaper pants performing a complicated tap number like Michigan J. Frog.

Man, all this beef has me hungry. Maybe I’ll order a half rack of double-glazed ribs.

Grade: F, to everyone involved, but A+ to these yummy ribs from Applebee’s I’m eating right now!
Photo: Sue Crocker/Flickr

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

Oh yeah, because the last thing we need is a dog with the power to create an atomic bomb. No thank you! Fido and I would rather go chill at Applebee’s, which is one of the most dog friendly restaurants around in case you didn’t know.

Photo: Craigslist Screenshot

Hints from Hellouise
Have I talked yet about how much I love allrecipes? I have found a lot of really reliable recipes for standards, like this pie crust recipe, and the comments and photos are truly, truly wild. So much drama!! Like most people I love eating at restaurants (bet you can’t guess which one!) but sometimes you want to gather the fam and cook at home. Which is why this My Amazing Tomato Basil Soup (Like Applebee's®) is perfect for cold winter nights. 49ab gave it one star, saying, “Will not make again too tomatoey for my taste.” Hmm, maybe don’t make a…FUCKING TOMATO SOUP THEN?????? But Debbie gave it five stars, and says “I never had Applebee’s, but this soup is delicious. Do not leave out the clove....it is important to the recipe.” And while I feel sad as hell that Debbie has never been to Applebee’s, I appreciate her close attention to detail.

Shit you really ought to read
If You Could Go to the Moon for Free, Would You Do It?- The Outline. This one had me cry-laughing, and also made me realize I do not have any interest in visiting the moon.

Wait — What Instagram Ads Do Men See?-The Cut. Kelly Conaboy, asking the right questions yet again.

‘The Biggest Loser’ Is One of the Most Harmful Reality Shows on Television-“Your Fat Friend”, Medium. Fat activist “Your Fat Friend” is so good and thoughtful and makes me examine my own shitty behavior, and this is a good recent piece if you’re interested in getting into her work.

Current Job: Award-Winning Chef. Education: University of IHOP-The New York Times. On some real-real, is there anything worse than food snobs? Besides the fake intramural Nazi football team I invented earlier?