Canonically speaking

An intro dedicated to waking up too early from anxiety. I’ve been in a dreadful mood for the last few days, and trying to distract myself by concentrating on other things, which usually just ends up with me waking up at 6 a.m. and researching how Velma is now “canonically lesbian,” which is fine I guess even though deciding decades after the fact someone is gay is somehow more offensive than having no gay characters at all if you ask me and uh Jesus anything to not think about real life right now.

Another thing I discovered while avoiding my life at 6 a.m.: the “Dark Academia” aesthetic. Frankly, academia seems dark enough as is (creepy 900-year old tenured professors VOM), but I appreciate that I can now put a name to the vibes from Donna Tartt’s The Secret History (also a perfect summer book if you’re in the mood to forget reality). Alas, I will never be able to do this look because I canonically cannot stand wearing turtlenecks.

Theme music for this newsletter     

Something about oppressive heat just makes you want to listen to some Japanese 80’s dark-wave, amirite?

Pigeon report         

Let me begin by saying that British animal rights groups are canonically insane, like the type to exhume someone’s dead mother and leave it on your doorstep crazy. But I also think mistreatment of animals is bad and is worth fighting against…EVEN pigeons if you can believe me.

So apparently the queen of England sends pigeons to race to the death in South Africa every year? I could not understand this tradition less if I tried. England really cannot stop trying to relive colonialism, can they?

Anyways as protest PETA staged a pigeon “die-in” which is admirable I suppose, but I wish someone would tell them that NYC pigeons seem to be staging die-ins on every street in this city every single day of my life, based solely on how many dead pigeons I pass on any given bike ride.

Grade: Ummm I’m at a loss here, let’s go Hampshire-style and eschew a grade this week

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers   

Let’s all take some time and meditate on Harry Styles’ canonically special knee tattoos, shall we?

Answer: We’re all doing great

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently         

Yeah weirdly enough I too am collecting wine…IN MAH BELLY!

Hints from Hellouise                

I’ve always been partial to half-assed crafts, but pandemic has sent me to new heights in terms of sheer number of projects. Here are some recent things I’ve made.

I’m obsessed with bougie plant hangers but they’re so expensive and turns out they’re stupid easy to make by hand so now I have the millennial plant holders of my dreams but am running out plants to put in them. Let me know if you want a poorly made plant holder!!!

Here’s my sweet air plant terrarium complete with mushrooms I made by FREAKING HAND because that is the kind of free time this pandemic makes.

Shit you really ought to read          

A stranger. The sad history of lockets. What does justice for Breonna Taylor look like?