Britney Spears gives me a Latin lesson
Crack
This week was just drab drudgery, and it’s pathetic the one thing that will improve the rest of the week is a holiday dedicated to a genocidal travelin’ Italian (I’ll let you guess WHICH one). Luckily I’m planning on going to a renaissance faire for the first time, where I can REALLY celebrate my favorite politically-incorrect historical figures. Not to get technical, but it does seem like ren faires are really more of a MEDIEVAL celebration. It’s fun to relive the worst time in history (see, Ellen eating hotdogs with a former war-criminal). Maybe next year you’ll all come to my fair where we celebrate 2013.
I’ve been searching high and low for a plague mask, and while I am currently empty-handed, my luck will come back in time, I am sure of it. I know renaissance faires are all probably funded by Big Crystal (also the name of my masseuse, coincidentally), but damn it if a turkey leg can’t bring some level of joy into my life.
Pigeon report
One morning this week, as I passed the old folks prison (I know it’s a “home” but explain to me then why the windows have bars????) I saw a flock of pigeons hungrily eating on top of a large red liquid stain on the sidewalk. What was it? Dried Kool-Aid? Unlikely at that time of morning. The grim faces of the people watching the pigeons told me everything I needed to know. The bars were there because of the pigeons. They clearly murdered someone living in that apartment. Protect yourself people.
Source: Me
Grade: D, I would give it an F for murder but I appreciate their teamwork.
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Photo (Craigslist screenshot)
Okay, this is in the barter section but you’re selling it for $5,500 or trade? Is someone out there going to give up their car for a 1930’s ice cooler? You know it probably requires river ice or something crazy anyways since it’s so old. So not only have you spent $5,500 but now you have to hire a kid to go to the river and cut a block of ice and bring it back to you on a sled before it melts. And then of course you have to find your Nobby Hill ginger ale…WHICH DOESN”T EXIST SO FML. Anyways, anyone want to trade for this?
Are you okay? Each week, I highlight celebrities I am concerned with
In good news for C-list celebrities, but very bad news for my sense of schadenfreude, every celebrity seems pretty okay this week. When in doubt or times of emotional turmoil, I often check in with Britney Spears on Instagram, and I find her innocent soccer mom posts serve as a balm to my stormy soul. Looks like Brit-brit has been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly about god, astrology, and then Latin tomes?
I’m not going to hate on anyone’s reading choices (I recently read the Vanna White autobiography so glass houses, etc.) but I find it hard to believe she is reading a 400-page book in LATIN? I zoomed in on this book trying to figure out what it was and it is definitely written in Latin. Is Britney secretly a Catullus-stan? On second look, maybe it’s Italian? Britney is out here reading Dante’s Inferno and she can relate. Stay good y’all.
Answer: Sure, she’s okay, but if she can read Latin why isn’t she allowed to control her own finances?
Hints from Hellouise
Do this don’t. Don’t dust anything in your house! Why do we dust? It only exacerbates allergies, and literally no one notices how dusty your cabinets are, and dust never killed anyone unless it was in a bowl. And to be honest, dust is very chic, very Mrs. Havisham. Dust says “I’m sorry, I’m too busy living a full life to care about the debris made up of my skin”.
Shit you really ought to read
Is There a Sexy or at Least Normal Way to Take Off Pants?-Kelly Conaboy, The Cut. Give Kelly the Nobel Prize already!!!! This investigative piece finds answers to a question that has plagued us all at one point or another.
Hating Comic Sans Is Not a Personality-Emma Goldberg, The New York Times One, I agree with this headline wholeheartedly. Also, disliking the word moist is not a personality. And sapiosexuality is not a real sexuality. Anyways, read this if you want to respect the much-maligned font a little more.
How We Came to Live in “Cursed” Times-Jia Tolentino, The New Yorker. YO. Everything about this.is.on.the.nose.
Your weekly jam
Selda Bagcan-Katip arzuhalım yaz yare böyle. Selda is a Turkish folk artist from the 70’s, who is kind of the Bob Dylan of Turkey which means that nobody in America knows her. Her songs have an eerie, aching, quality, they feel a million years old and are sad as hell. I would encourage you to really take a deep dive on her work, but this song is a lovely place to start.