Bring me...my mini-quiche

It’s the holidays, which means you can find me skipping down the street most days singing, “Frosty the Snowman/was a comfy little bitch,” a variation on the original that I invented years ago for no discernible reason but that I have come to prefer and rely on.  This will be a short newsletter as I’m still in the full throes of work and various external expectations and gurl I am TIRED. I can’t wait to throw myself on a pile of warm towels, slowly knead them with my paws and collapse into a deep sleep, only interrupted by snacks and pets.

Theme music for this newsletter       

Making this my theme song for 2021:

Pigeon Report      

The day after a snowstorm this week I was making my way down (town/Walking fast/faces pass/ and I'm homebound/Staring blankly ahead/Just making my way/Making a way through the crowd) the street, trying to avoid sliding to my doom, when I saw a huge group of pigeons gathered on the sidewalk, eating something. I assumed someone had put out rice or bread or whatever sick shit people are into these days. But no! It was…a pile of chopped carrots? And the pigeons were so excited, I literally had to kick them to get through the masses. My interest was piqued, so I had to let Google weigh in:

Oh, you’re telling me this writing mass of pigeons could also soon become a rat king (google it yourself I’m not linking to that, as even I have limits)? Great, just freaking great. The image of a pigeon king inspired me to create this imagining of me, as the lady from the “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads, in the middle of the pigeon king. Who said Christmas doesn’t come early?

Grade: D, I DEEmand them to leave

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently      

*Shakes fist towards heavens* CURSE YOU CUOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Hints from Hellouise         

As I’ve mentioned before, if given my druthers, I would literally only eat party food. I’m talking mini-quiches, I’m talking a cheese plate, I’m talking multiple dips AND chips, I’m talking a nice meze plate. Which is why I decided to make use of some phyllo that’s been in my freezer 17 years and make some BAKED BRIE. I buttered each layer and topped the cheese with a bunch of chopped dates, one of only two fruits I tolerate with cheese (the other are figs), and girl, just ladle this stuff into my mouth—who needs bread!

Shit you really ought to read             

Of course Patti LaBelle is a Gemini. Real poverty is complicated. The ethics of prenatal testing. Conspiracy moms on Insta.