BodyByVelveeta™

Crack

I’m on day nine of having the “Charles in Charge” theme song stuck in my head and to add insult to injury for the first few days I was sure Charles was played by noted hot nude guy (Google it dude) Tony Danza, but no, it’s god-damn Scott Baio. Scott Baio’s continued existence is irrefutable proof that we are in the absolute worst timeline, because there is no way the GOOD timeline would include not only Scott Baio as a speaker at the 2016 Republican convention, but one of the most DISTINGUISEHED speakers there? Joanie no like.

The same timeline that has almost, maybe, made me respect Nickleback a little? The timeline where I basically require a Snapchat filter to make most news tolerable to consume. Made even harder by the fact I don’t have Snapchat because I am OLD. And don’t even ask me what TikTok is, because I will most likely assume you’re referencing the PhantomTollbooth.

So yeah, this song is not sitting with me well. Why did we think Scott Baio should have control over our “wrongs and our rights”? And when you think about it MAN *takes drag from jazz cigarette*, it's like, Charles is the GOVERNMENT, and we're...uuuuuuuuuuuuuh I think I've lost the plot on this one.

The only silver lining is that I discovered the singer of the theme, Shandi Sinnamon (coincidentally my drag name as well), sang a song from the perspective of Sailor Mercury. Gotta take the good news where you can some weeks.

Pigeon report

Source: Me

I have so many pigeon stories I don’t really know where to start. My mind bubbles with images and sounds, dusty feathers, a scaly, hardened pink claw out of the corner of my eye, a threatening coo from behind, and yet…

This week, I have experienced a rare positive pigeon encounter. Whilst walking down 7th Ave. after work I had the pleasure of seeing several pigeons share a fresh crust of $1 pizza together. Normally this would be cause for disdain, but the pigeons genuinely seemed to be sharing the bread, rather than clawing at each other like Fox News hosts. It felt like a veritable Last Supper between them, all forgiven as they broke bread. It’s beautiful to see that in our broken country it’s still possible to reach across the aisle (aisle=pizza crust).

Grade: A, good job lil’ pidgies

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

Photo (Craigslist screenshot)
Okay first I’m mad I didn’t know there was an Aldi in East Harlem, why did I always end up at the one in the Bronx when I lived uptown. Secondly, this post makes me so sad. What happened with Harold? I imagine a kind of Brokeback Mountain situation, furtive kisses shared in a backroom between Harold and our hero. But why did it end? And WHERE IS HAROLD? Send tips to 1-800-Ald-ibro

Are you okay? Each week, I highlight celebrities I am concerned with
This week the ICONIC Angela Lansbury was interviewed for some reason. Do we need a reason? For 93 years she has only enriched our lives. She’s responsible for one of my fave jawns, Murder She Wrote is basically where I get all my outfit ideas, and Mrs. Potts is a babe.

During the interview, she learned for the first time about the 1993 Reggae hit, “Murder She Wrote” by Chaka Demus and Plier. Truthfully while I have HEARD the song, I don’t know who sang it, so I def relate. She was very pleased with it though, because of course she was, because she is pure of heart and soul. I’m just glad she learned she was culturally relevant in 1993 in case she wasn’t aware.

Anyways, Angela is having a great time, I’m screaming “EGLANTINE” and any reason for me to reference Angela Lansbury in a current context is a blessing.

Answer: We are LIVING AND LOVING IT. A+++

Hints from Hellouise
Okay, so as a general rule I think brand allegiance is deeply wrong and low-key capitalist hoodwinking. THAT SAID, I think Velveeta Mac and Cheese is the best version of that weird thick cheese Mac and Cheese. I will pay the extra dollar for the Velveeta brand. Every other competitor tastes like actual cheese and that is not what I came for. If they want to sponsor this newsletter, please send them my way.

Shit you really ought to read
Shelved: The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band’s “Brain Opera”-Tom Mazwell, Longreads
I was basically raised by the music of the Bonzo Dog band, so of course this one gets me. That said, even if you haven’t heard of them, an excellent deep dive into their work and the sad story of leader Vivian Stanshall and his descent into anxiety-fueled addictions.
Stories About My Brother-Prachi Gupta, Jezebel
This story was nothing what I expected. I won’t ruin it. Just read. A lovely musing on grief and masculinity.

Ancient Turkish town begins to disappear underwater – in pictures-Bülent Kılıç, The Guardian
I spent a magical fall day in Hasankeyf Turkey years ago where we rode a boat and explored abandoned villages in the lake created by the dam. Beneath the water we were floating over a treasure trove of Roman ruins and mosaics lost to history forever. Now, the entire area will be lost as the dam expands and I can’t help but feel an irreparable loss. Peeps these pics bro and pour out a glass of raki. But more seriously, I can’t help but think about families losing their homes, and the history left behind.

Bari Weiss’s Unasked Questions-Judith Butler, Jewish Currents
My nemesis, Barry Weiss, is expertly ripped apart by academic legend Judith Butler. WE STAN A QUEEN. Real talk though, a thoughtful look at all the holes in Bari’s MO that is way more articulate than my screams when people ask why I dislike her.

Your weekly jam
I’ve been listening to the Best of Divine this week at work, and it’s perfect background music. It’s beat-driven enough I can concentrate on reading data about people in prison, but sassy enough it gives me the power to get through the drudgery of not having a window. The production on these singles are so 80’s it is insane, but there’s something warm and pleasantly tinny about it. Also Divine, even on record is clearly just a powerhouse performer.

I recommend starting with “I’m So Beautiful”