Bitch, is that a BAROLO grape?

Since it’s fall, want to hear a spooky story? A few years ago, I went on 3-4 dates with a nice guy, but I just wasn’t feelin’ it. He was also terminally online, and he told he was super active on Twitter. I cut things off in a totally amicable way, BUT because I am absolutely a creep/nosey-parker, I would periodically stalk his Twitter just because I have misplaced curiosity into the lives of heterosexual men. Anyways, a solid six months after last communicating, I accidentally liked one of his tweets. As if that wasn’t enough to make me want to commit Seppuku, the next day he tweeted out, “I wonder what I did to warrant this chick I dated briefly to like my tweet despite unfollowing me months ago.”

And that is why I should never be allowed outside of my home ever again.

Theme music for this newsletter      

ARE U READY 2 PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY with some new Low!!!!!!!

Pigeon Report         

Wow. Everything I believed is being questioned. I’m like that person who had some doubts in the dramatic play, “Doubt.” Anyone who is the enemy of Elon Musk, is by default, my friend. 

Does this mean Pigeon Report is just going to become glowing reviews of the totally-not-capable-of-murder, not flea-ridden, not stupid, and evil, pigeon?

Grade:

A++ buddy, keep up the good work

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers        

Wow, been way too long since I was privy to some Sting drama. I don’t LIKE Sting per say, but I will say that a) Outlandos d'Amour is a perfect pop album and I mean that sincerely; and b) he seems like someone who owns a copy of The Secret, right?  

Anyways now Sting is in a feud with an Italian Duke for dissing a vineyard he bought from an Italian duke. Sting claims the vineyard was promised to grow Chianti grapes, but instead it grows BAROLO GRAPES.  

Did you hear me?

BAROLO GRAPES.

His anger and bitterness are completely righteous and warranted. We can all relate to buying vineyards from European dukes. Godspeed Sting, as you figure out what to do with your Italian vineyard, a problem many of us have experienced (mostly Italian grape-farmers.)

Answer: BAROLO GRAPES.

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently      

OH, HELLS YES! Let’s Duduk it up my bros!

Shit you really ought to read         

God damn it stop ordering delivery during natural disasters! We going to Margaritaville or what? Useful info on DIY abortions.