Babes, you have to get rid of the Nazi helmet eventually

This song has been on repeat in my head most of 2025 so far.

Thing 1: In which I rate how likely it is that certain tchotchkes around my house would kill me if given the chance from 1 (definitely not) to 5 (I am dead and sending this email from the grave)

Are you kidding me??? E.T. in drag is an icon, a diva, and she IS THE MOMENT. We’re best friends. We hang out and talk trash about our shared enemies on the regular. Rating: 1

This man just puked all over my feet while I was waiting in line to use the bathroom at the dive bar, but 20 minutes later, he buys me a beer, says sorry, and all is forgiven. Until he puts on “Magic Carpet Ride” by Steppenwolf on the Jukebox, and then it is I who kills him. Rating: 1

This fella gives me paparazzi vibes, but not like “I accidentally killed Princess Diana” papparazi, just like “I would like to get a shot of you carrying sour cream out of the grocery store and sell it to US Weekly to put in their “Celebrities—they’re just like us!” section. Rating: 3

This lady might seem sweet, but what if I told you the black bottle in the center is a bottle of Rush-brand poppers? Hmmm? Changes your perspective, doesn’t it? Rating: 4

God, I wish I was cool enough for this riot grrl band to want to kill me, but I don’t even show up on their radar. Rating: 1

I’m not too scared of this gal, because I feel like we don’t have a lot in common. She’s catholic. I’m only baptized catholic and a huge fan of the ensemble film Conclave ™. She’s an outfielder. I enjoy minor league baseball games but struggle to remember even the most basic of rules within baseball. She orders dippin’ dots at the game. I order nachos. Oddly enough, we’re both huge fans of folk dancing. We have an unlikely but solid enough alliance. Rating: 3

THIS GUY. It’s not a question of if, but when this rodeo clown/ new deputy head of some federal agency will kill me. He makes RFK Jr. seem “cuddly.” Rating: 5

Thing 2: Technology is okay and also bad

Oh if AI is so bad then how come I’m having a five hour long heart to heart with a cup??? TRY AND ANSWER THAT?????

Thing 3: Hints from Hellouise V.2 (In which I take moral dilemmas sent to other advice columnists, ignore their responses, and offer my MUCH better advice instead)

DEAR HINTS FROM HELL: I’m a university professor and a woman in her early 30s. I was attending a talk and arrived late. The only place to sit was a small couch, big enough to seat two (or perhaps three, but it would be a tight fit).

A male graduate student arrived a few minutes later. He sat down and stretched out on the couch, putting an arm on the back behind me. This felt incredibly inappropriate and overly familiar -- we don’t know each other at all, although he knows I’m a professor because I was part of an introduction session at his graduate orientation.

I worried that it undermined my authority with my colleagues and students. I gave him a look to make it clear I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he removed his arm briefly before putting it back up.

I ended up whispering sharply to him, “Do you mind?” He removed his arm then, but I was left thinking about it and wondering if I could have made the point more politely. What would you recommend? Or was I making too big of a deal of this?

Pfft, frankly, I’d make a BIGGER deal if I were you. Many male students, especially graduates, are annoying as hell. This could be a good life lesson for him, and the stakes could not be lower for all involved. It’s not like you’re embarrassing him in any real way. And it’s weird as hell to do that to a teacher. There’s no way in hell he’d do that to a male professor, so frankly, he needs to know he’s in the wrong.

Unless you are my friend (and even then, we should be FIRM friends to do this), you should NEVER put your arm behind me on a couch. If I’m being honest (and I usually am,) no one should be behind me on a couch at all unless it’s a cat slowly creeping up to lick dairy product off of my food plate.

I think you should have been louder about it. If you’re worried about making it complicated, just couch it in a bit of kind humor. “Hey, only my priest is allowed that close to me—would you mind moving away?” I’d say that’s an overly polite way to respond.

DEAR HINTS FROM HELL: I own a Nazi helmet my husband, now deceased, inherited from his father. For a long time it didn’t bother me; it only left me wondering about the soldier who wore it. But with the resurgence in white supremacy, neo-fascism and antisemitism, I am now very uncomfortable with it. I can’t seem to figure out what to do with it. I don’t think a museum would be interested in it. I certainly would never sell it, being uneasy about who might buy it. Donating it to a theater costume shop is a possibility. Or should I save it as a piece of history for my great-grandchildren to learn from? — Name Withheld

I love the intro here because it’s so passive and vague. “Oh, he inherited it from his dad…” Babes, was your dad-in-law a Nazi? Like, just say that. We’re not going to assume you yourself are a Nazi unless you’re like, “and I freaking love the vibes this helmet gives off!!!” I just feel like a teensy bit more context would be helpful. Because if your father-in-law just came into possession of this, maybe as something he found in his basement, that is one thing, but like, if he was a literal Nazi, that does make things more complicated.

I’m a big believer in preserving history, but in the right ways that recognize the meaning attached to said history. I remember when I lived in Virginia, people who claimed to be “progressive” would make the most insane excuses for why it’s totally fine to celebrate and venerate people who actively advocated to preserve slavery. So they’d make excuses to preserve physical history in ways that gave zero context or real explanation to an object. And by that, I mean they’d have weird Confederate memorabilia chilling on the walls like it was a Precious Moments print. And it was so gross.

But alternately, I’m not saying to just throw the helmet in the river (although…could be kinda gratifying to do!!!) To ignore reality and history and just never acknowledge that a certain mindset exists does a disservice to future generations. You need to know how absolutely shitty things were back then, so you’re compelled not to entertain people who revive those ideas now.

So, with that, I would offer it to some local museums. What makes you think a local museum, especially one focused on the holocaust or World War Two, wouldn’t want it? You seem afraid to ask? Maybe you’re lazy?

You also need to be fully transparent with a museum about the history of how it came to you. Because that journey is relevant, too! Was it a former Nazi who came to the US? Was he readily accepted here? Did he feel guilt or try to make up in any way for being a Nazi? That’s a fascinating story to consider when we think about how to carry the long-term consequences of being involved with something truly evil. Or if it came here through some weird Nazi memorabilia collector’s world, I want to know EVERYTHING about that freakshow, who was involved, where these spaces existed and when—because it gives you perspective and also I’d love to go and harass people at these events (plz send names and numbers.)

If you can’t find ANY good, thoughtful museum that will take it—honestly, I’d ask reputable historians what they think you should do. Leave it to the professionals and leave it to people directly impacted to decide. And above all, girl, get that OUT of your house. The bad juju emanating from that helmet have probably already cursed you, get it out and burn some cedar and light a goddamn candle.

XOXO Hellouise.

Extra Credit:

I’m somewhat biased because I’m related, but might I recommend the latest Wild Hares EP to you? America’s favorite folk-punk-garage project returns:

https://wildhares.bandcamp.com/album/naugatuck-valley-boy-ep