Applications for my hype house due by EOD
Andrew Yang, one of the dumbest options NYC has for mayoral candidates right now, has mentioned at some point that he wants to cultivate “Hype Houses” in the city, a sentence which makes me want to kill myself for reasons I doubt I have to explain. For those of you not familiar with the concept, I am sorry to be the one to explain it to you. Hype houses, also known as “content” or “collab” houses are basically like a typical frat house filled with young people with disposable income who make TikTok videos together and just like, “influence” people. In theory, not the worst idea. Fine, you’re all being CREATIVE, doing your patty-cake Tik Tok dances, but also…who am I kidding those Hype House kids suck. They all look like the bully in an early-aughts teen movie, which is ultimately why I can’t get down.
That said, if the city were to give out grants to “hype” ones “house,” I think I have enough of an entrepreneurial spirit to make it work. The first caveat is that it will basically just be the house in the 70’s Japanese-horror classic “House”
Instead of inviting influential Tik Tok teens to crash in my house, I will invite in any neighborhood cats to crash into me, physically, as much as they want. I will exert my INFLUENCE by reading aloud HEGEL to my new CAT army. And we will be churning out content constantly, specifically instructional Tik Tok videos on how to churn butter.
Currently applications are still open.
Theme music for this newsletter
I remember very distinctly in high school going to a record store during my lunch break and using my hard-earned babysitting money to buy this excellent Delta 5 reissue/comp the week it came out because I was just that desperate to get my hand on their music. I think I was disturbed I spent $15 on the CD, but it was TOTALLY worth it.
Pigeon Report
I encourage you all to read this piece about weird NYC pigeon guys pushed out by gentrifiers because it’s insane and also includes the “Paul Newman” of the pigeon community. This piece did send me in a bit of a tailspin, because on one hand, pigeons are gross, but also if all these pigeon freaks left the city it would be so boring, and I need any place I live in to have a certain amount of day-to-day weirdness or I get depressed.
It’s moments like this I live for:
“On a recent Sunday, about 40 or so pigeon keepers were waiting for the auctioneer, a man they all call Paul Newman. Trash talk and cigarette smoke were free-flowing at this parking lot next to a cemetery in North Babylon, where they have gathered most weekends since 2002.
On the way out to Long Island, Mr. Malone passed Mr. Scott on the expressway, and he started swerving his S.U.V. in an attempt to startle him. He stuck his middle finger out the window as he passed his rival, muttering insults under his breath. It was unclear how much this was a joke.”
So, it turns out, while I can’t stand pigeons, pushing people out of a city to make way for another chase bank+drab yuppie prison apartment is an even worse fate in my mind.
Grade: A, the pigeons win this time.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
As I have discussed in past issues of Cracks, the musical “artist” Machine Gun Kelly is a nemesis of mine. Not too much to explain there, I think his general vibe of “kid on a skateboard in a commercial for breakfast cereals” will do most of the ‘splainin for me.
He is now in a relationship with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles star, Megan Kelly, of whom I have zero opinion of, but the two of them together makes a lot of sense aesthetic-wise.
Anyways this Valentine’s day they both made posts that made my eyes melt out of my stupid head. Here’s Megan’s:
I too find myself wistfully thinking “there goes my heart manifest…” but it’s usually when I see a commercial for The General (best car insurance rates in town!)
But ol’ MGK did her one better with this simple declaration: “i wear your blood around my neck.”
Well, uh, congrats to the happy couple. Love is, I’m afraid to announce, dead.
P.S. I just asked my Boyfriend™ what he would do if I told him I had a vial of his blood around my neck and he said, “I’d want to know where you got it” and then he said he would find it romantic. So, great, now I must bloodlet him discretely sometime this week to surprise him. A woman’s work is never done!
Answer: They could be doing better
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
I thought at this point nothing on CL could shock me, but even I gasped when I saw this post. WhY…wHo…WHAT?
Shit you really ought to read
Dionne Warwick is a delightfully witty nut. Anti-Asianness in the US. What if the pandemic wall is just, like, forever?