An incredibly freaky rocking chair
I spend a lot of time shopping for clothes, wearing clothes, thinking about clothes because a) it is fun and b) I’m a lil’ fashion girly duh!!!! But the one thing I have close to zero interest in are sneakers. They’re so dreadfully utilitarian, even when they’re expensive and made of furs, velvets, and silks.
But oddly enough, sneakers are like one of the FOUR things straight men can show excitement over, the other three being:
1. Bruce Springsteen
2. Women they love and respect because it reminds them, they have a mom and/or sister
3. The comedy of Dane Cook circa 2006.
That that’s all they have…
If you’re a straight man, sound off! What happens when you start to care about something besides sneakers? *
*See what I’m doing here? I’m ENGAGING with my READERS**
**Lol straight men read Cracks?
Theme music for this newsletter
Truly, nothing suits the tone of Cracks this week better than this:
Pigeon Report
People are always trying to convince you that wars were only won with the help of pigeons, which is the typical right-wing, propaganda you’d expect from the pigeon lobby. The latest “hero” I have learned about was Gustav, who told the Allies that D-Day was happening (umm, my dude, pretty sure they knew that already, but thanks for the confirmation.)
The people of England were so grateful for his service (what else did he have going on that day, like, of course he has time to tell you D-Day is happening) that he was awarded the
PDSA Dickin Medal in 1944. And even better…he got a kiss from a British lady!!!
Women must sacrifice so much during wartime, must we also add “enforced pigeon-kissing” to the list as well? As we all know, pigeons want nothing more than a kiss from mummy.
Grade: A+ I would like to say that I deserve an award for making no stupid jokes about the name of that medal.
Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
The other day I was trying to explain to my Boyfriend that I have the utmost love for Martha Stewart, but I do not respect her, because I am low-key convinced she’s a hot psychopath.
I was proven right once again when she casually posted a picture of a grave in the process of being dig being dug for her cat, just adding that her dogs MURDERED it???
“burying the beautiful and unusual Princess Peony. the four dogs mistook her for an interloper and killed her defenseless little self. I will miss her very badly . RIP beauty”
She delivered that news with less urgency than when she posts a picture of a glass of wine and cheese. If my dog killed my beautiful and unusual cat, you could bet your ass, they’d be in dog prison, immediately. She didn’t even lead with a photo of Peony!! Martha did Peony dirty, and that just doesn’t sit right by me.
Answer: Martha, I love you because you’re hot and unhinged, but you are literally evil maybe?
The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently
Rocking chairs, as a rule, are incredibly freaky. That’s just a commonly known fact. Like “Irish accents are hot” or “chocolate tastes pretty good” or “Every sitcom in the 80’s was about rich white men buying orphans.”
But if you want an extra freaky rocking chair, you shall soon be sated, as I have found it! The extra freaky rocking chair! Now with 100% more “facial screams”
I will admit that it’s a bit suspect the photo is time-stamped 2017…who’s to say whether it has remained incredibly freaky?
Shit you really ought to read
Nepotism alert!!! Nepotism alert! My dad has a new book out, and if you like funny and weird memoirs, without the navel-gazing introspection the genre often has, or if you just like rocknrolltales™, I would highly recommend it. Order here, thank you.