Ain't got time for instant mac and cheese

Crack

I’ll keep things short and to this point this week because it is the modern world and you have things to do. Memes to consume, presidential candidate names to remember, reporters to accidentally butt dial, baked dips to make, clams to farm, choreography to the X-Files theme song to make, multi-level marketing scams to get roped into, French braids to braid, small puppies to pet, pumpkin-spice lattes to deride (I like ‘em, don’t @ me), the first Replacements album to listen to, scenes to reenact from the Lizzie McGuire movie, teeth to replace, etc.

Also this cursed image has been haunting me and I can’t concentrate on writing rn,

So have a great week!

Pigeon report

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for pigeons, which is probably unhealthy and could turn me into a Scrooge. But I did see a pidge-situation that even made ME sad. I saw a pigeon completely flattened on the street, I mean like, you could have used it for an artisanal birthday card kind of flat. Of course, I wouldn’t do that, because I have scruples. I look longingly into Chick-fil-a, but I do NOT go in. That’s because I am OBVIOUSLY of a high-moral character. I’m hopeful he died of natural causes and then just threw himself in front of a car while he was in death throes? That’s a best case scenario, and that’s still not great

Image Source: Me

Grade: I’m not grading anything dead unless it’s historical

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

Photo (Craigslist screenshot)

Something about this post screams 2006 to me. The thought that old-timey glasses might be worth a warehouse worth of LPs, the warehouse of LPs itself…Anyways I’m not an expert in vintage eyeglasses, but I do know enough to know that one pair of eyeglasses will not be the same monetary value. Even assuming someone wants to trade, his desired records are so vague. THE STONES, BLACK SABBATH! Okay, but like, what if someone just comes with like a dozen copies of Undercover? Will that suffice?

Are you okay? Each week, I highlight celebrities I am concerned with

I feel like I’ve had ups and downs as far as how I view Lana del Rey and at this point I am at neutral. Is she hoke-y, overwrought, and overproduced? Sure, but I also watch 90 Day Fiancé so who am I to judge? She’s fine. She’s whatever, she’s basically a person made out of Instagram algorithms but I genuinely enjoy several songs of hers.

Recently Lana shared a shot of her home, and let me tell you, for someone with a net worth of 14 million dollars…her apartment looks basic to a degree I can barely fathom. This woman could probably afford to have a Picasso and she has a “Live the life you love/Love the life you live” sign on her gorgeous art-deco fireplace. I am shook. This has rocked me to my very core. If I didn’t know better, Lana is basically the same as those acquaintances from middle school I still questionably follow on social media who post fuzzy screenshots of memes that say “Live/Laugh/Love”. What next Lana? Will you be getting a tattoo that says “Dream”??

Look, I get it, everyone has their own style, and sometimes positive messaging CAN make you feel better. That’s a real thing! But why does an inexorably rich popstar need a sign in their house that says “Choose Happy”? Like, girl if you need someone to tell you to be happy, where does that leave the rest of us (plebes). Is happiness truly unattainable? Am I doomed?

Photo Source: Instagram

Answer: I can’t tell honestly.

Hints from Hellouise
Let me preface this by saying that I do not own an Instant Pot, and have very little interest in doing so. However, I do love drama, especially when I have no skin in the game at all, which led me to joining the Instant Pot Community group on Facebook. I really live to see people fighting over the best way to cook ground meat in an Instant Pot (“IP” for those of us in the community) as well as people’s bat-shit insane questions. The other day someone asked how to make boxed mac and cheese in an IP. They wanted to know how to make INSTANT mac and cheese in an INSTANT POT. Like, apparently the ten minutes it takes to make it on the stove was a bridge too far. At that point, maybe just go…buy it premade? At MOST the IP will save you a minute. So my hint this week is directed to this person and this person only, because I hope all of us are smart enough to know better.

Shit you really ought to read
I guess it might be weird to suggest reading a Wikipedia page but I went down an insane wormhole on turn of the century Gibson Girl star Evelyn Nesbit and it is a barn-burner of a life story. Murder, sexual abuse, big hair, morphine addiction.

Super interesting interview with female cis drag queen Crème Fatale and good perspective on fitting in the drag world when you’re not a cis man.

On Drag Race: “It’s not really an accurate representation of how drag is in everyday life, and it’s upsetting. You do have a lot of fans of drag that are just fans because they’ve only seen the show and nothing else… they think they know the scene. It gives them false ideas of how drag is judged in real life and what constitutes good or bad drag because they’ve only learned it through Drag Race. It’s pretty frustrating that the show doesn’t look like what the world looks like.”

I’m not sure whether anyone outside of NYC will care about Bill DeBlasio gossip, but there is something deeply cringey about his entire political career that I find fascinating, which is why I loved this NY Times piece on the last week of his campaign.

This is a listen not a read, but “You Must Remember This” is such an excellent and well-researched podcast about unearthed Hollywood history, and this season host Karina Longsworth is taking a deep dive into Disney’s ‘Song of the South” which is already crazy one episode in.

Your weekly jam
So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings-Caroline Polachek. This week I just want something to shuffle around to my house to and bob my head to and this one does the tri