A historical coconut pie
This past year, I started volunteering as a cat foster, because I figured why spend 18 hours a day thinking about cats, when you could spend 22 hours thinking about cats. It’s been super rewarding, and I have so much respect for the people who are running DIY cat rescues in their neighborhoods. Like, who out there wants to spend 6 hours rescuing a kitten from a well? Who has time to nurse a cat back to health after they eat something weird?
However, as amazing as the cat-rescue community is, I can say unequivocally that they all are terrible at naming cats. I understand it’s hard after the 6th litter of kittens you found to come up with something new, but I literally saw a rescued litter this year named after mattress brands. Cats deserve more!!! No cat would pick the name Serta, I can guarantee that.
However, one of my three skills is naming cats. It comes to me easily, the names of cats just tumbling from my mouth, perfectly formed, and all adored by every cat. No cat I’ve named has ever complained. Don’t believe me? I have picked a random assortment of cats and was able to think of these names in less than five minutes. Yes, please hold your applause:
Thing 1: The weirdest shit I found on NYC Craigslist
Me: *Last minute, realizes I desperately need a bagpipe player, and they better not be a bad piper* Jesus what am I gonna do!!!? *picks up phone and dials haphazardly, my sweat dripping on the phone*
Bagpipe guy from CL: Hello?
Me: Hi, I need a bagpiper and I need one now.
Bagpipe guy: No prob, been waiting for this call my whole life. See you in 5.
Me: I didn’t tell you where I live?
Bagpipe guy: I already know.
Thing 2:
You know, it’s weird how we call certain recipes “old-fashioned” but you never hear anyone talking about a “historical” coconut cream pie. Or a historical grandma’s cookies recipe. At least not in advertising. You might see it at a museum of mummified foods.
Thing 3: Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
I can’t stop thinking about the fact that a) Dick Van Dyke is still alive, and that b) his wife is 50 years younger than him and could still qualify for the “senior special” at certain diners.
I mean, no judgement, I think we can all agree that Dick’s performance in Mary Poppins ranks in the top 100 sexiest chimney sweep portrayals of all time. So Arlene, I GET it. But the age difference really does throw ya for a loop, right?
While reading up on his wife, I discovered that she also joined Dick Van Dyke’s acapella group, The Vantastix, so maybe she’s just fame hungry. Maybe she knew her only way into The Vantastix was by seducing Dick Van Dyke.
Here they are, live in Denny’s:
I’m not being the least bit facetious when I say I would LOSE MY SHIT if this happened while I was in Denny’s (which I wouldn’t be, my allegiance is to Waffle House) because “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” is like the number one banger (pun intended) of all time. I wish I could say I was lying…”Shipoopi” from the Music Man was in my Spotify Wrapped this year and I knew the brain worms have finally gotten to me. I cannot say no to a MCM Musical Jawn!!!!!
Is Arlene the “Yoko” of The Vantastix? Only time will tell. But I look forward to the 10 hour documentary about The Vantastix as they recorded this banger: