A healthy bowl of Freakies

Cracks

Well, we’re at the point of social isolation where I started googling “big-ass skull for household” and am thinking about making some money moves. Big time moves. Like moving my bed to a different angle. Sitting in a different part of the couch while I work. Searching for antique wooden teeth on eBay for about 20 minutes. Wondering if you can overdose on boiled eggs. Thinking of cashing in on my investments (the investment is an onion I’m trying to regrow in a jar of water.)

Theme music for this newsletter
This is a Radio Clash. Did something I haven’t done in a minute and listened to multiple Clash songs in a row, which normally I can’t do because of associations with my journey through puberty. The interesting thing about their eighties output is that it sounds the most dated, or most of that time (ooof some of those rap attempts fall so very flat) but I would argue the most interesting. This one is great because it’s a little batshit, the production is delightfully out of style, and it’s a total banger.

Pigeon report

Gonna give you guys a real treat with my gritty journalist dispatch right from the frickin’ field my dudes. We are live and in the flesh in front of a pigeon nesting in the dirt surrounded by flotsam and trash, including a reasonable amount of hamburger buns. Nature is so majestic, reminds us we’re just one small piece of a much bigger picture. In our own way, we too are resting in a nest of trash and buns. I’ll take my Pulitzer via Zoom, thanks.

Grade: A, nature is beautiful

Photo: (Me)

Are you okay? Checking in on my favorite d-listers
Ugh, must I engage with them this week??? Mama needs a break from hate-stalking Gwyneth Paltrow right now. However, I made an executive decision to subscribe to Star magazine recently so get ready for even more quality content in the coming weeks.

The weirdest shit I saw on Craigslist recently

Not being cute, I am extremely tempted to buy these wine bottles signed by various Sopranos side characters. Truthfully though? I may wait to buy one signed by Paulie. Now THAT would be worth it.

Image: Craigslist

Hints from Hellouise

All I want to eat lately is cereal, which disturbs me. You may be even more disturbed to know that my favorite brand of cereal is Cheerios, which is the best one because it tastes like dusty cardboard bread, a thing you didn’t know you wanted until you have it.

I’m also partial to weird cereals that shouldn’t exist, like Cookie Crisps, for those times when you want a less good small cookie in milk. I thought Cookie Crisps were as demented as they come until I discovered Nerds candy had a branded cereal in the eighties and I am sure it was discontinued because of poison or something. If that doesn’t do it for you though, and you’re looking for a cereal with a healthy dose of nightmare vibes, might I suggest Freakies?

Image: YouTube screenshot of one of the Freakies...reading the Emancipation Proclamation?

Shit you really ought to read
King Louis XIV loved to dance. Buying a ghost town seems like a sound investment until you’re in quarantine with an old-timey ghost. Musings on comfort food. Surprise, a bunch of wellness influencers are also really into QAnon.